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Darvarb CoUeae library

PROM

'TM^../M^C-fi:f-^.<-J...-./:'.:.. :-.

NEW ALICE
IN THE OLD
WONDERLAND

With Sixty-Sevem Illustrations
ANNA M. RICHARDS, Jr.

lei 1 1

PHILADELPHIA

J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY
189s

V WA.l'h "" It ' '

HARVARD COLLEGE LlBRAI^y
GIFT OF
MRS.HARCOU/^T^„^^

JAN. H 1927

Copyright, 1895,

BY

J. B. LiPPiNCOTT Company.

Eleotrotyped and Printed by J. B. Lippinoott Company, Philadelphia, U 8.A.

PREFACE.

So well they loved the Wonderland of Alice,
Once, those unreasonable children three,

No other land would do ; no fairy palace.
No brownie-peopled realms of mystery.

And so, long time ago, this tale was told them, —
AdtKntures in the land they liked the best;

Woven with many a simple charm to hold them.
Of farfetched incident and harmless jest.

PREFACE.

Now they have all grown up, — a charm perennial
In the old nonsense one of them did find,

And made these pictures ; and, though Messrs. Tenniel
And Carroll criticise^ they will not mind.

We're not original, nor wise, nor witty ;

But, since to amuse the children is our plan,
To weigh us in your balance were a pity ;

So spare us, gentle Critic, if you can.

A. M. R.J Sr.

iLE ©F (mwms

CHAPTER I.

Peoot the Flo

CHAPTER II.
The DrcBEss and bek House . . .

CHAPTER III,
The TeaTablb 63

CHAPTER IV.

HUMPTY DUMPTT

8 TABLE OF CONTENTS.

CHAPTEE V.

PAGE

The White Knight 103

CHAPTEE VI.
The Eed Queen and the Duchess 120

CHAPTEE VII.
The Bishops 158

CHAPTEE VIII.
The Kindergarten 197

CHAPTEE IX.
The Mock Turtle 210

CHAPTEE X.
The Great Occasion 238

CHAPTEE XL
The Tweedles 267

CHAPTEE XII.
The Pageant 288

A NEW ALICE

IN

THE OLD WONDERLAND.

CHAPTER L

PEGGY THE PIG.

Alice Lee was sitting by the window with
her chin resting on her hand looking out, al-
though there was nothing much to see.

It was a cold, rainy day, and she could not go
out; neither did anything very interesting occur
to her to do in the house. She was thinking,
rather unconsciously, that there were a great
many children who had a better time than she
had.

"Mother," she said, at last, "you know the
little girl we saw at Aunt Lucy's yesterday, —

9

PEGGY THE PIG.

her name was May Selwyn, she said. Well, J
they're all going over to France next week ; I
and she says she is going to live in the moat I

beautiful house and have a lovely white
all ter own."

Her mother did not say anything, and
went on, —

PEGGY THE PIG. 11

"And Nanny Grey is going away, too, next
Monday. It's the most charming place that ever
was, that she is going to. It's on an island in the
sea, she says, and the roses grow there all winter.
I wish we were going somewhere."

Mrs. Lee knew that Alice was not usually a
discontented little girl, and she did not begin by
telling her — what was nevertheless quite true —
that, while there were really only a very few
children who were "going somewhere," there
must be a great many who would be delighted
to live in the home where Alice was at that
moment.

She knew, too, that even grown people some-
times have moods in which they wish something
more interesting than usual would happen; so
she said, at last, —

"Well, yes. I think myself it would be de-
lightfiil to be Agoing somewhere;^ I should be
glad if we were packing up our things to go
there this very minute. As to France, it's

12 PEGGY THE PIG.

rather late to be on the sea just now; the end
of November isn't a very pleasant time to be
travelling anywhere.

"And then," she continued, "I'm quite sure
you wouldn't wish to be going South for the
reason the Greys have to go. Nanny's mother
has been very ill, you remember."

"Well, but, mother, of course I didn't mean
that exactly," said Alice. " I only meant having
some kind of adventure, you know."

" I don't see exactly what I can do about it,"
said her mother, smiling. " I can promise that
if I happen to come across any adventure I will
be sure to let you have it. I suppose you are
getting rather too old to make them up for your-
self, as you used to do not so very long ago.
What has become of all the plays you acted once,
that were so much fun ? Don't you remember ?"

Alice did remember very well, although it had
been some time since she had taken her old in-
terest in "pretending" things. Once she could

PEGGY THE PIG. 13

be happy for days together in imagining herself
a fairy, or a powerful old witch in disguise, or a
proud, beautiful princess stolen from her father's
palace, or else Cinderella.

Cinderella really was fascinating. First of all
you fastened on to one of your ordinary frocks —
it ought to be a white frock — all the odds and
ends of adornment that you could beg or borrow
or find for yourself. This took a great while ;
it was better to begin the day before; and the
getting ready was quite as much fun as the play
itself. Then you put on over all this some old
gown that you could easily find in the garret;
it must be very worn and faded, and so large
that it would slip off at the least touch of the
fairy's wand ; and then, if you took the precau-
tion to be standing very near a sofa, this could
be easily pushed under out of sight with your
foot. It was great fun, too, to dance in the hall,
even with an imaginary prince, when her brother
did not happen to be in the humor to play.

14 PEGGY THE PIG.

He sometimes did join in these "private theat-
ricals," as he called them, and very often her
mother, too, would help a little : she made a cap-
ital fairy grandmother, with a yardstick for a
wand.

Then her thoughts wandered into the Wonder-
land of the Alice books, with their little world
of people so much more real than the ones in
ordinary Wonder books. She recalled the hot
summer afternoon that she was lying on the seat
under the old tree in the garden, and was so sure
she was wide awake, when she saw the Duchess
and the White Queen walking together in the
path before her, talking in a low whisper. But
just then her brother Tom came whistling along,
and of course they straightway vanished.

" Oh, dear !" she said to herself; " how I did
use to wish I could get into Wonderland then ! —
that very same Wonderland, of course; for all
the other books about some other kind were per-
fect nonsense."

PEGGY THE PIG. 15

Then she smiled to think of the time when the
maids complained that there were sometimes mys-
terious finger-marks on the large looking-glass
over the mantel-piece. The truth had been that
Alice used to rub the glass with hfer fingers some-
times, when she found that the fire in the grate
was hotter than usual, in order to see whether it
ever showed any sign of melting, so that she
could climb through into the room on the other
side. She could see this mysterious room just as
plainly in their house as the other Alice did in
hers ; and to go through the looking-glass, pro-
vided you could, seemed to her a much pleasanter
way of getting into Wonderland than falling
down a deep rabbit-hole. Besides, though she
was always on the watch every time she took a
walk in the country, she never saw anything
that looked at all like a rabbit-hole, and even
confessed to herself that she did not know what
a rabbit-hole ought to look like. She had almost
succeeded in persuading herself in those old days

16 PEGGY THE PlG.

that she really believed there was such a place as
Wonderland.

It had grown quite dark while Alice was think-
ing of these old times, and she was saying to her-
self that it would be fun to read the Alice books
over again that very evening, for it had been at
least six months since the last time, when there
was a ring at the door-bell. A parcel was left at
the door with Alice's name written on it. When
the numerous papers were taken off, it proved to
be a charming white box containing a generous
slice of wedding-cake, sent by a cousin of hers
from a distant city, whose wedding her father and
mother had attended the week before.

She felt herself to be a very distinguished
person ; this was almost an adventure in its way,
and the whole family gratified her by looking at
it with the proper degree of interest, her brother
Tom with some added feeling of envy as well.

When she announced her intention of not eat-
ing any of it until the next morning, Tom ad-

PEGGY THE PIG. 17

vised her to keep it all night under her pillow —
" Just under the edge of your pillow, you know,
so that it won't get all smashed" — and to try and
dream upon it. He admitted that he did not
know exactly what would happen in consequence.

"I believe it makes your dreams come true,"
he said.

"But suppose," said Alice, "that you didn't
want your dream to come true."

"Well, then, of course it wouldn't," he said;
"it's bound to come right somehow."

" Oh, yes," he added, after a short pause, " now
I know what happens. It makes you dream ex-
actly the thing you want to. And then you're
sure to get it."

This was not very lucid, but Alice thought she
remembered having once heard something of the
kind herself; and although, of course, neither
of them was the least in earnest about any such
nonsense, they decided that it would be rather
ftin to try the experiment for once.

h 2*

18 PEGGY THE PIG.

" At any rate/' said Alice, " it is a very safe
place to keep it in, you know."

" I'm not a bit sure of that," said Tom. " You
might get hungry in the night and eat it all
up without knowing it. You'd much better let
me have it to put under my pillow. I say!
what do you suppose makes it smell so good ? I
expect you'll chop it up into hundreds of pieces
and give it to everybody."

"No," said Alice; "mother said she didn't
think that was fair. She said it was just about
big enough for us two."

"Mother's a duck!" said Tom; "she knows
just the right thing. Fred Brown has to give
the whole lot of them some of everything he gets,
and there's precious little left for him sometimes.
That's to make him generous."

"is he generous?" Alice asked.

" Well, he mostly eats up everything he can
out of doors, if you call that generous," said Tom

" Oh, how dreadfully greedy !" said Alice.

PEOQT THE PIG.

" But he has to, you know," Tom insisted ; " he
irni't greedy at all. One day he gave me a lot of
candy over the fence, and I wasn't looking at him
eating it, either."

Alice now shut the box and tied its white
ribbon, and then took it up-etairs into her room.
She had no leaaons that evening, so she brought
down the Alice books, and was soon as deeply in-
terested as though she did not almost know them

20 PEGGY THE PIG.

by heart. She had chosen "Through the Looking-
glass" to begin with this time ; and Tom, neglect-
ing his Latin exercise, was speedily absorbed in
•the other one. He had formerly despised them
both, but in his older and presumably wiser years
he had been obliged to confess that they were not
such "awful stuff as they used to be," after all.

The striking of nine o'clock reminded them
both that it was bedtime. Tom said that he was
sleepy, and would do his Latin in the morning ;
but Alice, although she was rather more willing
to go than usual, did not feel the least bit sleepy,
she said.

The moon was shining on the wall of her room
in a great square of light, and after her mother,
who had looked in to say " good-night," had shut
the door, Alice sat up in bed, thinking how very
bright the room was. She saw the box just under
the edge of her pillow, and thought she would open
it, so as to be perfectly sure that the cake was there.
This was a very unwise thing to do. The cake

PEGGY THE PIG. 21

had been there safe enough, of course, until this
very moment, but now it was safe no longer. It
looked so uncommonly good to eat, that she really
could not put it back under the pillow without
taking the least little bite, and then afterwards
just one more. The end of it was that there was
only about half of it left to go into the box again ;
and with this restored to ite place, she lay down
and tried to go to sleep, although still not feeling
at all sleepy. She was just beginning to be
rather sorry for more than one reason that she
had eaten so much cake, and glad that there was
at least plenty left for Tom, who need never know
the whole story, when a very strange thing hap-
pened.

She saw on the moonlit wall opposite that there
was a door between the washstand and the table,
where there had never been a door before. She
sat up in bed again and looked earnestly at the
wall for some minutes, and then, feeling perfectly
sure of it, she jumped quickly out of bed and

22 PEGGY THE PIG.

crept over very cautiously to see if the door would
open.

It was a real door, there was no mistake about
it. And it had a knob like any other door, that
seemed to turn of itself somehow, for hardly had
she touched it when the door flew open, and she
found herself going out into a very long and
narrow dark entry with clear daylight shining
at the end.

A moment more and she was out of doors,
standing on a flight of marble steps that over-
looked a wonderful old-fashioned garden; there
were long alleys going off* into the distance, bor-
dered on each side by high box-tree hedges. It
was exactly like being in the midst of a painted
picture; the sky was almost too blue and the
leaves too green to be real. On the bushes were
flowers of the most brilliant colors; the ones
nearest to Alice she stooped down to examine,
and they came off* in her hand at the least touch.
They were dry, scentless things, and she found

PEGGY THE PIG.

that they were really only paper flowers, — and
not very well made ones/ either, — no better than

the ones she had just been making herself a few
days before.

She walked slowly down one of the alleys.
The hedges were so high that she could not see
over the tops, but very soon she found that this
alley branched off here and there into others,
which in their turn led into others still, and that,
in fact, the whole garden was a perfect maze,

24 PEGGY THE PIG.

where it was impossible to help getting lost almost
as soon as you entered.

She went on, however, turning corners now and
then, always into paths exactly similar to each
other, and getting more and more mixed up all
the time, but not once wondering how she was
ever to get back. Several times she thought she
heard a slight rustling noise under the hedges,
and she stopped at last to listen, when a little pig
— a, very pink and clean little pig — with a blue
silk cap on its head struggled out through the
leaves of the box-trees where they grew close
down to the ground and ran with all its might
down the path.

Alice jumped up and down for joy. "I
believe," she said, "I really and truly believe
that this is Wonderland, for I am sure that is
the Duchess's little pig-baby." She had lost so
much time in jumping for joy, however, that
although she ran after the little pig as soon as
possible, she could not catch it. Giving little

PEGOY THE PIG.

squeals of fright as it went along, it kept jnst a
few steps too far ahead to be overtaken, and at
last it crowded itself under the gate of a pig-pen.

or at least of a place that sounded like one, for
Alice could hear the pigs squealing and grunting
in several different-sized voices.

She stood on tiptoe to peep over the top, and
was just in time to see the pig-baby carefully take
off its little blue bonnet and, standing on its hind

26 PEGGY THE PIG.

legs, hang it on a nail that was almost out of its
reach. Then it climbed on a chair, and from
that jumped on to a small table apparently laid
for dinner, but with a very dirty cloth. There
were two or three old plates and a rusty tin pan
full of apples on the table, and the little pig at
once set greedily to work at eating the apples,
making a great noise about it as she did so.

The place was rather tidy considering that it
was a pig-pen : it had even been swept after a
fashion, for the sweepings were to be seen in one
corner, only half hidden by an old broom placed
over them. Several other pigs were rooting about,
and Alice soon found out that what sounds so
much like grunting when you are outside of a
pig-pen, is only conversation when you lean over
and listen.

" Is that you, Peggy ?" she heard one of them
say ; but Peggy, if it were she, went on munching
the apples without making any answer. The
other pig then went up to a sort of cupboard in

PEGGY THE PIG. 27

the corner and began scratching with his fore feet
on the wire netting of the door.

" Peggy, I say," he went on ; "I say, Peggy I
There's roast beef in here ; come help me get it !"
Peggy, however, was still occupied with the
apples; but another pig came up at this invita-
tion. He was a thin, sly-looking fellow, with a
cricket cap over one ear. Both together they
continued to scratch at the door, trying to push
the wires far enough apart to get at the roast beef.

"Look out, boys! here's Jem and mother
coming home from market !" called Peggy. She
had her feet on the top of the pen now, and
could see down the road. But just then the
wire net had given way, and the sly-looking pig
snatched a bone that still had a little meat on it
and ran off as hard as he could go, followed by
the other one in hot pursuit. They crowded
under the gate, Peggy watching them evidently
with great delight, and Alice saw them disappear
behind some bushes. There was still another

PEGGY THE PIG.

small pig in the corner of the pen, tied by the
tail, evidently to keep him from getting out; he
peeped under the gate with a melancholy air of

"That is meant to be the pig that stayed at
home," she said to herself, with sudden conviction,

"and I do believe they are all of them here.
One got the roast beef, and one didn't ; and
Peggy is the one that cried ' wee ! wee ! wee!' all
the way home, for that is just what you did,
There was a road a short distance off,

PEGGY THE PIG. 29

on the other side of the pen, and Jem and his
mother could be seen coming home from market
with baskets in their mouths. Although Alice
was much interested, she was rather afraid of very
large pigs, so she withdrew behind one of the
trees near by until they had both come up, and
greeted by a chorus of squeals inside, had gone
in and shut the gate.

3*

CHAPTER 11.

THE DUCHESS AND HEK HOUSE.

Alice now saw that she had left the garden
fer behind while she was running after the pig ;
for nothing more was to be seen of it anywhere.
She was perfectly sure by this time that she was
in Wonderland, and she thought the best plan
would be to keep along the road, where some-
thing interesting would be the most sure to turn
up. It was a very pleasant-looking road; there
was a thick woodland on the other side of it,
and a little farther down was a curious sort of
house among the trees, with an open space in
front. She took one more look at the pigs,
which were now all lying on the ground asleep,
and then, climbing down a rather steep bank
into the road, she set off on her journey, quite

80

THE DUCHESS AND HER HODSE.

sure that she was going to have some real
adventures.

The house in the woods was quite small, not
very much higher, indeed, than Alice herself;
but she was not
at all concerned,
as the other Alice
had been, by re-
membering that
she was too big.
- The door was
wide open, and
with great curiosity
she immediately
crossed over and
went to look in.
Nobody was there ;
the hall was empty and silent, excepting for a few
great flies that were buzzing about on the ceiling.
Presently she noticed that there were two white
doors in the side of the hall, and that one of

32 THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE.

them, which seemed to be the door of a closet,
kept slowly opening of itself a very little way
and then immediately shutting up again. This
happened several times, until at Jast it opened a
little wider and the frog-footman stuck out his
head sideways. He said nothing, but he winked
at Alice, and then quickly shut himself in again,
and this time he locked the door. She could hear
him flopping about inside and sneezing dreadfully.
This reminded her that the hall was delightfully
smoky and full of pepper; there could be no
mistake about it, this must be the house of

«

the Duchess. She went softly down the hall,
and ventured to open a door at the other end
that she was certain must go directly into the
kitchen.

Sure enough, it did ; there was the kitchen, but
no one was in it, and everything was arranged in
the best of order. There was, of course, a great
smell of pepper in the air, but there was no soup
cooking on the grate, nor was there even any fire

THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE. 33

in it. Evidently it was the cook's afternoon out,
Alice thought ;* her apron and ugly old cap, both
looking very much like her, were hanging in a
corner.

" I'm glad she isn't here herself, though," said
Alice, who was beginning to feel delightfully at
home, " for now I shall have some fun. How I
wish Tom were here! I mean to climb up and
}ook into every one of the shelves and drawers in
that dresser."

The kitchen, when she entered it, was a light
and rather cheerful-looking place, furnished with
a table against the wall, a few chairs, and a
dresser with rows of plates on it, looking, in-
deed, like any other kitchen. But to her great
bewilderment, as soon as she began her investi-
gations it all changed at once and became the
most mixed-up place in the world. She could
not remember how the change began, but sud-
denly there seemed to be countless rows of dark
shelves and mysterious corners crowded with all

34

THE DUCHESS AND HER HOV8E.

sorts of indescribable things surrounding her on
every side. She began to examine the things
before her, but as
soon as she took
the Ud off what
seemed to be a jar,
the jar turned into
a box, and then
disappeared alto-
gether when she
tried to put the
lid on again. And
then she found that
the thing in her
hand was not a
lid after all, but
a paper bag full
of something like
seeds. In trying
to put this back as carefully as possible she
disturbed everything else on the shelf, and all

THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE. 35

sorts of objects began tumbling down on the floor ;
she plainly heard something break as it fell, but
it was so dark beneath her that she could not
see what it was. She looked round her, and
saw that the whole room had turned itself into
a place that reminded her of that curious old
shop in the Alice books, where the old Sheep
was sitting with her hands fiill of knitting-
needles. Very soon the walls began to crowd
together more and more, and the place be-
came smaller, and had grown so very dark that
she lost all interest in what was on the shelves.
She climbed down with some difficulty, and as
soon as her feet touched the floor everything
changed back again. The kitchen looked just
as it did at first, only there seemed to be another
door in it ; there was a door, at least, which she
had not noticed at first. It was wide open and led
out into a dismal little yard, fenced in, which was
all overgrown with weeds and half full of rub-
bish. Among the miscellaneous collection were

36 THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE.

conspicuous a great many empty tin boxes with
red labels on them. Alice read on one of them

PETEK PIPBE,

MANUPACTUBER OP

PIP-PEP-PEPPER.

Of course she would not have thought of
wasting a moment's time over such a place as
this in her own country, but here everything was
interesting; even the old broken kettles and
frying-pans which she was sure must be the
ones that the cook used to throw at the Duchess.

" I wish, after all, I could see somehodj^ even
if it was only the ugly old cook."

Alice thought she said this to herself, but she
must have spoken aloud, for a squeaky little
voice answered, "You needn't be wanting for to
see heTy missy." It was the sly-looking little pig
with the cricket cap who had run off with the
roast beef; he had apparently brought it there to
enjoy all by himself.

THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE. 37

Just then she thought she heard a little mew-
ing noise behind her that sounded like kittens,
and she found that it came from a corner of the
kitchen, where some tea-towels were hanging to
dry which she had not noticed before. There, to
her great delight, was actually the old Cheshire
cat curled up affectionately on the floor, purring
over three little Cheshire kittens ; that is, Alice
was sure they must be Cheshire kittens, though
she could only see their little backs. The old cat
looked up with the same delightful grin on its
face that she knew so well, and said, as if it
guessed what Alice was thinking of, —

"Take one of them up and see, if you've a
mind to; but don't swing it round the room by
its tail."

Alice thought there was not much danger of
that " Oh, thank you !" she said, and carefully
taking up one of the little furry things, she tried
to see its face, but it sneezed so terribly that it
did not seem to have any face at all ; and directly.

38 THE DUCHESa AND HER HOUSE.

to her utter dismay, it began to grow very thin,
and then thinner and thinner, until there was
nothing left of it but a soit httle piece of fiir.

What must have been its head looked like a tiny
round ball of cotton-wool, but she could see that
there was a feeble smile upon the side of it, some-
thing like its mother's in expression.

"There's nothing at all the matter with the

THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE. 39

child ; it's only just vanishing, as you'd call it,"
said the cat. " It's trying to vanish, that is, and
it don't quite succeed yet. It'll soon learn. Just
throw it down here to me."

Alice laid the little bit of fiir carefully down
on the floor, and was much relieved to see that in
a moment it grew as round and fat as ever. It
went skipping up to its mother, who immediately
began to smooth them all with her great tongue
so unmercifiiUy that Alice wondered they did not
try to vanish, especially as they did not seem to
like it much. She fancied as she watched them
that they did seem to be growing rather thinner.

"They're more trouble than they're worth,"
the cat stopped to observe. " Fur always gets in
a mess with trying to vanish. I do hope they'll
go for good some day, and never get back !"

"Oh, could they do that?" said Alice. But
the old cat had now begun to wash her own face,
and did not seem to think the question worth
answering;

40 THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE.

"Has the cook gone out?" Alice asked, pres-
ently.

"The cook! The fire, you mean^ said the
cat. "Can't you see it's gone out? But you
can talk about fires and things, when you haven't
said so much as a word about my precious chil-
dren that I've been showing you. The sweetest
little cherubs you ever did see, too, unless you've
seen the Duchess's pig, and that's only a very
little handsomer. And it's all in the family, be-
sides, so it don't count."

The kittens were now all looking up at Alice
with the funniest little grin on their faces. She
did not honestly think they were as nice as com-
mon kittens.

" I thought you said just this minute that you
wanted them to vanish and never get back," she
answered. " I'm sure I think your children are
a great deal handsomer than that pig, — ^that is, I
mean the baby. But was it a baby or was it a
pig? I wish you would tell me."

THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE. 41

"Oh, it's six of one and half a dozen of the
other," answered the cat.

"But you don't mean," Alice contradicted,
"that a pig is the same thing as a baby?"

" Whatever I do mean," said the cat, " I mean
that a baby is the same thing as a pig."

These last words were spoken in a very low
voice, and it added something in a whisper that
Alice could not hear. Then she noticed that the
cat had grown very much paler ; soon the stripes
on its back were all that was left of its body, and
at last only its head was left, which continued to
purr complacently until that too was gone. Alice
hoped it would appear again. She stood for some
minutes looking at the kittens, which she did not
venture to take up again, however, and suddenly,
as if somebody had frightened them, they all
three set oflF and scurried across the kitchen,
sneezing as they went, and growing thinner and
thinner all the time, so that by the time they
reached the other side they were thin enough to

42 THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE.

slip through a rather large crack in the floor,
which they did with the greatest ease. She
knelt down and was trying to peep through this
crack when suddenly she heard a great racket
behind her

It was the cook, who had come in evidently in
the very worst of humors. She was banging at
the grate with the poker and tongs, upsetting the

THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE. 43

coal-scuttle, and flinging kettles and frying-pans
about with furious energy. Then she dragged
the kitchen table into the middle of the room,
managing to upset all the chairs as she did so;
then she proceeded to pull out the drawer with
such violence that she dragged . it out altogether,
and it fell to the floor with an immense clatter of
iron spoons and ladles. Alice would have been
very glad to escape, but as the cook had not yet
seen her, she was afraid to call attention to her-
self by the least movement. So she stood as
close to the wall as possible and waited for a
convenient chance to slip out unobserved. Pres-
ently, however, the cook perceived her, and
snatching a broom in one hand and a poker in
the other, she stood looking as if she did not
know which to use first. Fortunately, the table
which she had dragged out was in her way, and
served as a protection to Alice, who managed
to get on the other side, and so reached the door
safely, the cook following, only in time to slam it

44 THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE.

behind her so hard that it made the whole house
rattle.

If Alice had been at home all this would have
been a very unpleasant experience, but by the
time she was safely out in the hall again, the old
cook seemed rather fun than otherwise. The hall
looked somehow rather different : there were two
more doors in it now than there were before;
they were opposite to each other and both painted
green. There did not seem to be any harm in
peeping through key-holes in Wonderland ; and,
indeed, Alice did not stop to think much whether
there was or not. Through one of these key-holes
she could see a steep flight of stairs winding up,
full of dust and cobwebs, and through the other
nothing but darkness, as she said. One of the
white doors that she had seen at first was ajar,
leaving a very small crack open, and by going
close to this she could see into a curious little
three-cornered room, where the old Duchess her-
self, as ugly as ever, was sitting sound asleep in

THE DUCHESS AND HEE HOtlSE. 45

an arm-chair near the fire. A tea-kettle was boil-
ing furiously on the grate, and a sort of five-
o' clock-tea table was spread by her side, on which

was an immense plate of bread and butter and a
great bowl of eggs. It looked as though she were
going to have a comfortable meal when she woke
up, or at least Alice thought she would if her nap
did not last too long ; for just then the Clheshire

46 THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE.

cat suddenly made its appearance and immedi-
ately began upon the bread and butter. K its
appetite were anything like in proportion to the
size of its mouth there was no saying how much
would* be left for the Duchess.

However, Alice thought it was no concern of
hers, so she went out to the front door, where she
was surprised to see the Cheshire cat again sitting
calmly on the step cleaning its whiskers. Pres-
ently the door of the Duchess's room opened
behind her and a shower of china cups and
saucers came flying into the hall.

" Pray, don't mind that," said the cat, as Alice
got quickly out of the way ; " it's not meant for
youy you know : it's me she's after."

Soon the sugar-bowl came, full of lumps of
sugar that were scattered all over the steps when
it broke, for everything broke, of course. At
last the Duchess threw out some of the eggs,
which, strange to say, did not break, but rolled
noisily about in every direction.

THE DUCHESS InD HEB HOUSE. 47

"Why, they're nothing but china eggs," said
Alice, when she had examined one of them ; "just

like the nest-eggs that they had on the farm last
summer."

** What nonsense you are talking 1" said the

48 THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE.

cat. " Those eggs were made to match the egg-
cups, and a very good idea, too."

Alice could not help thinking so herself, if this
was the sort of usage they generally had. There
was notliing more coming now, and she heard the
Duchess slam her door and turn the key sharply
in the lock.

Suddenly the frog footman came round the
corner of the house. "The doctor says a little
of that's temper," he said, and kept alternately
swelling himself out and then shrinking up to
almost nothing, all the while fixing his eyes on
Alice. "Say, would you mind going in and
seeing what she wants?"

"Why, I don't quite know," Alice hesitated.
"Is she always like this?"

" Most generally when the cook's gone out she
is. And she's just the same when the cook's
come in. And when the cook's gone out again —
lackaday ! You just ought to see her !" he said,
stretching out his hand to stroke the Cheshire

THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE. 49

cat's fiir the wrong way. "You'd better go
straight in at once and have done with it."

"Why should I goT AUce asked. "Why
don't you go yourself?"

"Why, you see, you're the nearest the door,
and that counts; and then you've called on her
— ^through the crack of the door — and you know
she's in, and tJiat makes a difference; and then
it's your turn, and tJiat "

"Oh, just go right in," interrupted the cat;
"she's no end of fiin."

" Yes ; so she is," said the footman. " So she
is."

Thus encouraged, Alice, who really thought it
would be fan to see something more of the
Duchess, concluded that she might venture. The
door was very slightly ajar again as at first, and
she was about to knock, when the cat, who had
followed her into the house, pushed the door wide
open and then disappeared.

The Duchess woke up with a start, and Alice

60 THE DUCHESS AND HEB HOUSE.

was about to explain that it was not she who
had opened the door, but she perceived that the
Duchess did not seem to notice the intrusion.
She began immediately to eat her eggs, crunching
them up, shells and all.

Alice happened to be looking at the plate of
bread and butter, and to her amazement she saw
a slice lift itself up from the pile and disappear in
the air; then another slice did the same thing,
and then another. The last time, however, she
observed the faint outline of a smile in the air
just as the bread and butter was vanishing.
"That rogue of a cat," she thought, "can eat
just the same when it's invisible !"

The Duchess did not seem to perceive that any-
thing was amiss until Alice spoke.

"I thought your eggs were made of china?"
she ventured to say, at last.

"China!" screamed the Duchess. "Why,
I declare you've been at my bread and
butter !"

a

THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE. 51

Oh, I ^eff your pardon," Alice began; "I

saw "

" Don't say you saw the cat," she interrupted.
" I suppose, while you were about it, you thought
my bread and butter was made of china too,
hey r

"If you'll just watch the bread-plate," Alice
said, " you'll see what becomes of it ;" for at that
moment she saw another slice vanish in the air.

"If you'll just watch me, you'll see what be-
comes of you /" cried the Duchess, reaching out
her hand for a large jug of milk that stood on
the table. Alice, who knew that her Grace was
not very particular as to the things she threw
at people, concluded that her visit had lasted
long enough, and she quickly took her leave,
shutting the door after her. She listened for a
minute outside ; she could hear the Duchess going
on with her eggs.

The frog footman was waiting outside; he
looked at Alice with a foolish smile on his face.

52 THE DUCHESS AND HER HOUSE.

"jffo/i jour I Au revoir /" he said. " Did she
say what she wanted?"

" No," Alice replied, " she didn't."

" I thought she wouldn't. She was in a pep-
per-jig, wasn't she, though?" he said. "Drop
in again to-morrow and try pot-luck."

Then he winked, and began to dance a horn-
pipe with both hands in his pockets. Alice
passed by him without a word, quite offended
at his behavior, and went out into the road again.
It ran up-hill a little farther along, with hedges
on each side, looking very mysterious and tempt-
ing ; and she walked on, wondering what would
happen next. " If I only don't meet with any-
thing to make my neck grow so long !" she said
to herself; for this seemed to her the only un-
pleasant part of the other Alice's adventures.
She concluded not to eat or drink anything at
all whilst she was in Wonderland.

CHAPTER III.

THE TEA-TABLE.

There was a break in the hedge on one side,
after a while, which opened to view a pleasant
shady lawn, with a glimpse of something white
stretching out under the trees at a short distance
from the road. When Alice went in, she found
that it was a long table spread out in the open
air ; and not very far from it, on the other side,
was the March Hare's cottage. She knew it at
once, because of the description in the book:
"The chimneys were shaped like ears and the
roof was thatched with fiir." The table was the
identical table of the "Mad Tea Party," but
words can hardly describe the state it was in.
The Hatter, the Dormouse, and the March Hare
were not there, and the house seemed to be shut
up; but the tea-table stood just as they had

5* 63

54 THE TEA-TABLE.

left it. They had apparently moved from one
place to another until they had gone all round
the table; it looked, indeed, as if they might
have gone round more than once. The plates
were all full of tea-leaves and crusts, there was
sugar spilt over everything, and swarms of insects
were skipping and buzzing about over the table-
cloth. The milk-jug had been upset, and the
sugar-bowl was full of ants.

In spite of her dismay, Alice stood looking at
the scene with much interest. It was evident
that something ought to be done about it ; and as
she had the greatest delight in being useful, the
idea occurred to her of making a sort of brush
out of a handful of leafy twigs, bound together
with some of the long grass that grew about.
This was quite successful ; she brushed off most
of the crumbs and tea-leaves, as well as the dead
insects, and made all the others hop away. Then
she very carefully proceeded to pile up all the
plates and cups and saucers on one end of the

THE TEA-TABLE. 55

table ; and after that she stopped to consider what
ought to be done next.

She went over to the house and walked cau-
tiously all round it ; there were doors on all the
four sides, every one of them shut tight. No-
body seemed to be at home, for she knocked again
and again on every one of the doors in turn with-
out any answer, and then she tried to open them.

They were all locked, excepting one, which she
found, however, could only be opened a very
little, on account of something in the way on the
floor of the room behind it. She gave one de-
termined push at last to that door, and, with a
sound of rattling and crashing crockery-ware, it
opened far enough for her to look inside. There
she saw an immense pile of china things on the
floor, heaped up in the greatest confusion, all
covered with dust and leaves, and most of them
broken.

" Oh, how horrid I" she said, as if there were
somebody to hear ; " I believe you've just flung

56 THE TEA-TABLE.

all these things in here to save the trouble of
washing them !''

Then she tried to shut the door again, but
some of the china had rolled down in the way,
and the harder she pulled, the more it kept
coming down; so that, although she was very
sorry to do so, she had to leave the door just as
it was. And then, on walking round past another
side of the house again, she found to her sur-
prise that the door on that side was now wide
open. It was only an empty room into which it
opened, entirely bare of furniture; there was
not even a window to be seen in it, nor a door
in the wall going into any other part of the
house.

" How do you like this room ?" said a squeaky
little voice that came from the corner behind the
door. It was the Dormouse, standing there on
his hind legs. Alice had a great mind to ask
him whether he was called a Dormouse be-
cause he stayed behind doors ; but while she was

THE TEA-TABLE. 67

thinking about it, he asked her again how she
liked that room.

" Why, there isn't anything in it to like I" said
Alice.

"I heard you making a great fuss outside
there," he said. " The noise woke me up, so it
did! What were you doing out there in our
laundry ?"

"If thaVa your laundry where all those tea
things are in such a mess, I don't like that at

58 THE TEA-TABLE.

a///' said Alice, without answering his question.
"I never saw such disorder ill my life."

"It's all your fault that you saw it/' he said,
"because there's enough order in here for you,
isn't there?"

" No, there isn't," she contradicted. " I don't
call this order at all. Order means keeping your
things in order."

" But we keep our things in one room and our
order in another, so that they don't get mixed up
together all the time," he persisted, " and that's a
great deal better than your way. Because then
this room's always tidy."

Alice laughed, for there was really no use in
arguing with such a view of things as that ; and
at last, with a friendly wish to help the droll
little fellow, she said, —

" Suppose you and I take all those china things
out of your laundry and throw away all the
broken ones?"

"The reason why they break so is because

THE TEA-TABLE. 59

they're made out of such bad stuff!" he said, in
a sobbing voice.

" Yes, I dare say,'' she said, consolingly ; " but
you see, some of them aren't broken, and we can
take out all the whole ones and perhaps wash
them up."

" Was she mup f" repeated the Dormouse.
" What's that like ?"

There was no use; he was not even listening
now: he was scratching with his claws on the
plaster and putting his head close to the wall,
apparently for the pleasure of listening to the
disagreeable noise it made.

" I only wonder," Alice said to herself, as she
turned* away, " how they manage to get so many
tea things."

"They come in a bag, so they do," said the
Dormouse, as if he knew what she was thinking
about ; " and that just puts me in mind of it, —
I've got to have the table all ready for them by
the time they get back." And then he hurried

60 THE TEA-TABLE.

off to the tea-table. He appeared to be much
struck when he saw the disposition Alice had
made of the things.

" Who could have done that ?" he asked, in a
bewildered tone.

" Why, / did it," said Alice, " so that they
would be all ready to carry away."

" You've given me a great deal of trouble, so
you have," he said, dolefully; and he immedi-
ately began to set all the things back in their
old places on the table. He began with the cups
and saucers, taking one of each at a time ; and
as soon as Alice saw what he was trying to do
she came to help him.

"I can't think what he wants to do it for,
though," she thought. She worked much more
quickly than he did, and before long the table
was all covered with the tea things again ; and
then the Dormouse went a little way off, as if to
get the general effect. He did this several times,
going back after each time to make some trifling

THE TEA-TABLE. 61

alteration, until finally he seemed to think it
would do. Then he immediately set to work at
taking all the things off the table again and
throwing them into what he had called the
laundry through a little square window, the
shutter of which he opened on purpose.

Alice had not noticed this window before ; she
went over to look in, and found it was no wonder
she could not get in at the door. She could see
the door, still a little way open, as she had left it,
with the great heap of china piled up against it,
and there were all sorts of old broken things on
the floor besides. There were old rusty pans and
trays and tin boxes and tea-kettles, while an
empty dresser stood in one corner, and there were
rows and rows of convenient-looking shelves be-
sides, without a single thing on any of them.

"I'm not going to help you do anything so
foolish as that," said Alice, as the Dormouse still
went on throwing in the china. " What are they
going to do with all those things in the end ? If

62 THE TEA-TABLE.

you keep on like this, the place will soon be
foil/'

"I don't know, I'm sure," he said, and then,
as he had just thrown in the very last cup, he
shut the window again and remarked, as he went
over and took a seat at the empty table, that now
everything was as nice and tidy as could be.

" But I'm sure the tahle-cloth isn't tidy ! Why
don't you take that off, too ?" she asked.

The Dormouse made no reply; he had fallen
sound asleep at once, with his nose resting on the
table. Alice had a great mind to pull off the
table-cloth herself, but she did not like to disturb
him, as she certainly would ; so she sat down near
him, wondering what strange thing was going to
happen next. She tried to imagine what the
March Hare would say if he came and found her
sitting at his table ; and very soon, looking round
at the Dormouse again, she was hardly surprised
to see that the March Hare had taken a seat at
his other side. He did not seem to perceive

THE TEA-TABLE. 03

Alice. He had a pot of tea before him, — or, at
least, it was a steaming tea-pot full of boiling
water, — and he was busily engaged in trying to
cram tea into the spout with a small stick. " The

spout wants oiling a little, I think," he said, look-
ing round at Alice without seeming at all sur-
prised to see her there.

"Why don't you put the tea in at the top?"

64 THE TEA-TABLE.

she asked him. "The lid will come oflF, won't
it?"

" That's where they put the water in," said the
March Hare; "and they've crammed the water
in up to the very top," he continued, taking oflF
the lid to look in. " There's no room for the tea
at all."

"But you can easily pour out some of the
water," she began ; " and, besides "

"Oh, dear! I wish you'd let me alone," said
he. "They'll all be here in a second. Here
they come now."

Alice heard a confused sound of laughing and
talking, and presently she was surrounded by a
crowd of strange creatures, who were all taking
seats at the table with great noise and confusion.
Although it was in broad daylight, Alice could
not exactly tell what sort of personages they
were. She thought at first that they were all of
them animals dressed in clothes, until she recog-
nized the Duchess in a figure that was sitting at

THE TEA-TABLE. 65

the head of the table; there was a lion on one
side of her, and something that was certainly a
great owl sitting next to the lion. Presently she
was quite sure about tiie Hatter, who rushed up

to the table in a breathless condition and took a
seat next to the March Hare. He seemed unable
to speak, but kept making frantic motions that
expressed great exhaustion and despair.

" There ain't no more tea things. That's what

66 THE TEA-TABLE.

ails hiniy I expect," said the Gryphon, who had
quietly taken a seat next to Alice. She turned
to look at him; at first sight he was certainly
rather an alarming neighbor, so she tried to move
her seat a little farther off.

"I don't think they ought to have any more
tea things," she said; "there are enough over there
in that house to set a dozen tables. '^

" Hear ! hear I" shouted the Gryphon, rapping
loudly on the table and nodding his head at
Alice.

"Never mind! Never mindy I say!" Alice
cried, as he would go on trying to make himself
heard.

But he would not stop, and everybody looked
angrily towards him.

" This here young missy," he persisted in say-
ing, pointing to Alice, "she have something for
to say, she have."

"Bother!" said the Duchess, and everybody
else shouted something ; but Alice was relieved to

THE TEA-TABLE. 67

see that they were paying no attention to what he
said and would not be still themselves for a mo-
ment. Just then the Hatter, in a desperate at-
tempt to speak, lost his breath entirely and leaned
back in his chair with his mouth wide open.
" Tea'll fetch him round !" said the March Hare,
taking up the tea-pot and pouring a hot stream
directly into the Hatter's mouth. This heroic
treatment had the effect of " fetching him round"
at once. He sat upright in his chair and looked
about at the company with an amiable smile and
said, —

" Beg pardon I"

"Don't mention it!" said the Gryphon.

Something like silence now seemed to fall upon
the company, and just as Alice was wondering
what it meant the Gryphon said, "We're all
waitin' to hear this young lady read a piece out
of her book, I fancy." Then she suddenly per-
ceived that there was a book on the table before
her.

68 THE TEA-TABLE.

" Read ! read ! read !" she heard everybody call
out in all sorts of voices.

" I'm afraid I don't read very well," she said,
as she opened the book.

"You weren't asked to read well^^ said the
March Hare. " You were asked here to read the
book, and you've done nothing yet but brandish
words about and disturb everybody."

" I wasn't asked here at all !" Alice cried, in-
dignantly.

" Then how could you have got here ?" he said.
" That's a sort of a riddle for you, since you're so
fond of 'em."

" I hate riddles," the Dormouse said to himself,
in a very low tone. " They never come true."

" She can't deny she had to get here somehow,"
said the Hatter, "riddles or no riddles, you know."

Alice said nothing, and indeed was not even
listening, so deeply absorbed was she in looking
over the book, which she found, to her great
surprise, to be her mother's "Cookery Book."

THE TEA-TABLE. 69

It was the very same one she had been reading
with Tom only a few evenings before, and they
had had a great deal of fun over some of the
preposterous dishes to be found in all such books.
There were two or three cooking receipts in their
mother^s writing on the fly-leaves at the end, so
that she knew it was the same book; it was
the strangest thing how it could ever have got
there.

" Everybody up here's going to sleep !" called
out the Duchess from her end of the table.
" Can't some of you down there make that whaVs-
her-name read?"

"I'll pour a little of this hot water on her,
your Grace," said the March Hare. "That'll
get her started."

" You'd better not," said Alice, turning to the
March Hare; and then, speaking so loud that
they could all hear, she said, —

" If you really want me to read, you'll have to
find me a better book. This is only a cookery

70 THE TEA-TABLE.

book, that tells how to cook things for dinner,
you know. There's nothing at all in it to
ready

" That's your notion of ' nothing at all, hey ?"
said the Duchess. "There's something wrong
about youj that's plain. It's you yourself that's
the matter, not the book."

"Yes," said the Hatter, "every man expects
England to do his duty."

"I didn't ask your opinion," said the Duch-
ess.

"When you come to think of it," said the
Gryphon, "p'raps she canH read. There's some
won't and there's some can't. That old owl up
there, he won't. He's read every book in the
world, he says, and he ain't going to bother him-
self reading 'em over again."

"He hasn't read this book, I'm sure," said
Alice. "Why can't you get him to read it
now ?"

" Oh, he won't, he won't, I tell you ! That's

THE TEA-TABLE. 71

worse than cavbt, because if you could, you might,"
said the Gryphon.

"You're as Ml of pro's and con's as plums
stuck in a pudding," said the Duchess, severely.
"If you really canUt read, then you must learn
this minute. Learn to read decently, too, while
you're about it, and don't go mumbling and
jumbling along, as I know you will. Come, now,
mind your P's and Q's. I'll give you five min-
utes." And she took out an enormous watch and
opened it.

Alice laughed, but she did not say a word.
She was rather glad to have the five minutes'
time to see if she could find anything in the book
to read. She recollected that there had been a
chapter of ^^ Advice to Young Housekeepers^^ in the
beginning that might do perhaps, as it had seemed
on the whole rather amusing than otherwise.
But, strange to say, there was nothing of the
kind to be found there now. So, although it
seemed absurd, even in Wonderland, to read

72 THE TEA-TABLE.

cooking receipts to such a company, it began to
look as though it would have to come to that if
they still continued to insist.

" Five minutes up !" cried the Duchess, shutting
her watch with a loud snap.

Alice had not even yet decided what to read,
for just as she was on the point of beginning
something, so many of the words suddenly seemed
unfamiliar to her and without a particle of mean-
ing, that she kept on turning over the leaves,
hoping to find something better.

"What's the matter Twwf^ said the Duchess,
severely. "What have you been about all this
time? Can't you read yetf^

" She didn't have quite five minutes," pleaded
the Gryphon.

" She didn't have quite five wits, is what you
mean," said the Duchess. "If the Queen of
Hearts were only here, off would go her head,
and she'd have to read then, I fancy, whether
she could or not!"

THE TEA-TABLE. 73

"The reason " Alice began.

" Oh, you've got reasonSy I dare say, as plenty
as blackbirds, — I mean blackberries, — ^but the
Queen won't listen to any of 'em."

The table was beginning to get noisy again.
There was an impatient chorus of voices shouting, —

" Be stm I"

" Read !"

" Hush !"

" Go on !"

''Don't read !"
Begin !"
Stop !"

A voice near the end of the table that Alice
thought was the Lion's roared, "Silence! Silenced
Then they all stopped, and in sheer despair Alice
began at the first page she opened upon.

" TO MAKE SHERR Y BLIFFIN8.
" Take your blifflns while not so tough as they
otherwise would bey for they are apt to drone and

it

a

74 THE TEA-TABLE.

spindle at the edges. Pare them for an hour ; in
warm weather rather longeTy — an inch longer toiU
do. Then quickly stir into a thick pan of batter-
wax that has previously been made frosky by large
shirring-pins. If you have no shirring-pinSy a
shuttle-fork will do nearly as well. Allow to cooly
then return to fire and let slowly simper. Try
from time to time until the bliffins grow chvx^ky
and turn on the fork ; then take up and fringle
slightly. Sugar, if preferred, must be soaked in
several waters, as it is liable to become plimsy when
cooling. Send to table immediately.^^

This all seemed to Alice very much as though
it might have come out of Mr. Edward Lear's
book of Nonsense Cookery. She made no re-
mark, however; but on looking round at her
audience she saw that they were much impressed.

" ^ Send to table immediately !' " repeated the
March Hare : " but supposin' it wasn't dinner-
time r

THE TEA-TABLE. 75

"Oh, it would be! it would beT said the
Hatter. " Seems as if you could taste it !
What's next?"

" * Stewed Chorkeys^ comes next/' she said,
rather pleased with her success in entertaining
the company, who seemed to be all waiting
eagerly to hear more. So Alice went on, —

''STEWED CHORKEYS.

^^Put the chorkeys in an egg-sifter, one at a
timey and try with a small tuning-fork before
skimbling them. If they chutter, try them again.
Splice well and bumble in chicken-crumbs. Have
ready a pint of sugar-tips and a pound and a half
of pepper "

Here Alice was interrupted by a loud sob, and,
looking round the table, she saw that most of
the guests were sitting with handkerchiefs to their
eyes and noses, and some of them were weeping
bitterly. The Hatter had fainted, though Alice
thought he was only asleep.

76 THE TEA-TABLE.

" Reading about all those good things has been
too much for 'em," said the March Hare, re-
proachfully. " It's a shame, that's what it is I"

" Yes, it's regular fetched 'em," said the Gry-
phon. " 'Tain't her fault, though."

"But I told them " Alice began.

" Well, it does make a body feel lonesome now,"
the March Hare interrupted, " those things does.
Seems like you never had a thing fit to eat in
your life, and couldn't ever get anything."

" That's the same thing my mother says about
the fashion magazines !" exclaimed Alice. " They
make her feel as if she'd never had anything fit
to wear in her life, and couldn't ever have. So
there's no use in trying, she says."

"It's not the same thing, at all," said the
March Hare. "Your mother don't have dresses
for dinner."

"Yes, she has," said Alice, laughing at her
own joke, which the others, however, did not
appreciate.

THE TEA-TABLE. 77

" She don't when she's hungry, then," said the
March Hare.

" Not a bit of it," said the Dormouse, suddenly ;
and just then chancing to look under the table,
he immediately jumped up on the seat of his
chair and leaned over the top with his back to
the table.

" What was it that you saw under the table ?"
Alice whispered.. The Dormouse shivered from
head to foot, but said nothing.

" You might as well say," grumbled the March
Hare, " that if I read a book about * Manners,' it
makes me feel as if I hadrUt any manners."

"Well, so it ought to," said the Gryphon,
"because you haven't any!"

" Say that again !" said the March Hare, rising
angrily, and, snatching the book out of Alice's
hand, he held it all ready to throw at the Gry-
phon's head.

"None of 'em have any manners," the Gry-
phon said to Alice, as he quietly reached over and

7*

78 THE TEA-TABLE.

seized the book, and then pushed the March Hare
back into his seat. "I was learned different to
this when I was a youngster, let me tell you.
We had nice manners even if we was poor, and
we had nice tea-cups even if they was cracked,
and we had a nice table-cloth even if it fiad holes
m it.

"Oh, I'm so glad to hear you speak of this
table-cloth," said Alice. "Isn't it disgraceful?
Don't they ever have a clean one?"

"Well, for the matter of that, it's this way,"
he said. " You see, it's hard enough to get the
plates and things; they've not come yet The
Queen of Diamonds is the one; and you know
diamonds ain't always trumps. You follow me,
don't you?"

"Why, no," said Alice, "I don't. I don't
understand a word you say."

This answer discouraged the Gryphon very
much; he leaned back in his seat and said no
more.

THE TEA-TABLE. 79

"Your head has been completely turned by
the fashions!" said the Duchess, who had been
for some time looking at Alice through a long-
handled eye-glass.

" So it has r^ said half a dozen voices, in a tone
of sudden conviction, and Alice saw that the
company had stopped weeping and were all look-
ing at her. Some of them had glasses perched
on their noses that fell off when they laughed.
They all seemed to be laughing at her, and she
began to feel rather uncomfortable. It was a
very unpleasant tea-party altogether, and she
thought that, since she had not been invited, she
was not obliged to stay until the end. " I should
like to see the new tea things," she thought ; " but
just as likely as not they won't come, after all.
I've a great mind to go."

Presently she rose softly, and, as nobody seemed
to notice, she left her seat and went away, walk-
ing backward slowly, so that she could still see
what was going on at the table.

THE TEA-TABLE.

It is rather an unsafe thing to walk and not
look where you are going, even in Wonderland;
although this time Alice encountered no ohstacle
in her path more dangerous than the White Bah-
bit, who gave a little
squeal as she trod on
his toe.

"Oh, how sorry I
am !" she said, as
soon as she saw him,
"Please forgive me."
"Is that the way
you walk generally?"
he said, rubbing his
toe, " or do you think
you're in Looking-glass Land? For that doesn't
begin until you get over the bridge."

"Oh, do they walk backward there?" said
Alice.

" Sometimes," he said. " You've got to expect
it, anyhow ; but they never do here, excepting

THE TEA-TABLE. 81

the old gentleman, Sammy Crab, and he's a most
unpleasant old thing."

Here a great uproar at the table made them
both look round. The company all seemed to be

quarrelling, and screamed at each other with most
alarming gestures. She saw the Hatter get up
and cuff the March Hare unmercifully, and the
/

82 THE TEA-TABLE.

Gryphon reach over and try to snatch off his
great hat. The Hatter held on to it so tightly
with both hands that he drew it down entirely
over his face.

" Oh, it don't amount to anything !" said the
Babbit; "they're always going on like that."

Alice then saw that the Cheshire Cat was
coming towards them, walking with its tail in the
air like any other cat.

"Well, pussy-cat," she said, in a patronizing
tone, " so you were at the party. I didn't see you."

"I was under the table," said the Cat, with
dignity.

"Ah, that explains the Dormouse," she thought.
" And why didn't you sit up to the table ? there
was plenty of room."

" I preferred to sit under the table," said the Cat,
in a lofty manner ; " and I was a little surprised
that you didn't, too." Then it instantly vanished.

" I'm glad of that /" said the Rabbit. " I hate
cats, and especially that one.

THE TEA-TABLE. 83

" What foolish things they are over there !" he
continued, in a meditative tone, looking at the
table.

"Aren't they !" said Alice. " You are the very
first person that has any sense that I have seen
yet. Why do they all sit there when there's
nothing to eat ?"

" Oh, they'll have something after a while," he
said. "That's the way it is here. I suppose
where you live they get the dinner ready first
and then call the people?"

" Yes, of course," said Alice.

"But here it's just opposite. They call the
people first, and then they get dinner afterwards.
I was in your country once ; I came up through
a rabbit-hole."

" Oh, did you ?" she said. " I wish you would
come up and see me when I get back."

The White Rabbit smiled, and, looking at his
watch, declared that he must go.

" I wish you could stay," said Alice ; " but do

84 THE TEA-TABLE.

tell me first, please, where their dinner comes
from? And what is it they have for dinner?"

"They're cooking it now," said the Rabbit.
" The kitchen is in one of those rooms you tried
to open a while ago. I was behind a tree and I
saw you all the time. They always have hash
for dinner."

And, buttoning up his coat, the Rabbit van-
ished upon all-fours as quickly almost as the Cat
did in the air.

Alice's mind was now divided for a few min-
utes between her curiosity to see what the dinner
would be like and her desire to explore further
the tempting road that lay before her; for she
was now standing at the gate-way in the hedge,
through which she had entered. A little way
down the road she could see a high stone wall
with a gate that had a huge knocker, and this
looked so interesting that she decided at last to
go on.

CHAPTEK IV.

HUMPTY DUMPTY.

The knocker was just like the face of Mr.
Punch, and his great nose was fastened on with
a hinge. You lifted up the nose for a knocker ;
it almost took a little courage to do it. Alice
knocked two or three times, and at last a muffled
voice from inside said, " You'll have to climb over
the wall !" This was not so difficult a matter as
it seemed to be at first, for the stonework was
rough, and a few of the stones projecting here
and there afforded a foothold. From the top of
the wall there was a step-ladder leading down
into a grassy yard with a little wooden house in
one corner ; there were a few garden tools lying
about and some bundles of straw. It was evident
at once why there was a difficulty about opening
the gate. An object was lying just in the way

8 86

HUMPTY DUMPTY.

that Alice would have thought was an immense
egg, such as she had once seen in a shop-window
at Easter, dressed up to represent a man, if she

had not seen at a glance that it was neither more
nor less than Humpty Dumpty himself. His
clothes were all covered with dust, and his once
handsome cravat — the gift of the White King

HUMPTY DUMPTY. 87

and Queen — was now limp and faded. He was
lying down, and seemed at first to be asleep ; but
as Alice came towards him he rolled slowly from
side to side, and finally set himself up on end
against the wall with a sudden jerk. His arms
and legs, fastened on like the limbs of puppets,
flew about loosely and seemed to be of no use to
him. Although his features were rather un-
certain, she could see that he was staring at her

9

with all his might.

" Thanks ; very good of you, I'm sure. You've
heard of my accident, I suppose ?" he said, in a
hoarse voice. " It was a good bit exaggerated in
the papers, as everything is, you know."

Alice had not read the papers, but she guessed
that the accident must have been a fall he
had evidently had from the wall above his
head.

"I should think it would have broken your
shell, — ^that is, boneSy I mean," she added, quickly.

"Call.it which you like; both are correct,"

88 HUMPTY DUMPTY.

said he, smiling. " Yes, I may say IVe had an
escape. Take a seat."

As there was nothing to sit upon excepting the
ground, where, to be sure, Humpty himself was
seated, Alice said, "Oh, thank you, Fm not
at all tired. But weren't you hurt a good
deal r

"A few bruises, more or less," he answered;
"but how should you say I was looking, on the
whole ?"

"You are only very little cracked, indeed,"
said Alice, as politely as possible.

" G'dckedy forsooth ! I don't know anybody
that isn't, — more or less," retorted Humpty
Dumpty ; " but I've yet to learn that it's manners
to tell 'em so. So you find me ei^ackedy do you ?"

"Oh, the crack really doesn't matter in the
least," she said, quite grieved that she had not
been more thoughtful; "it hardly shows at all,
and I didn't notice it a bit at first. The wonder
is that you weren't killed."

HUMPTY DUMPTY. 89

«

" So I should have been if I hadn't 'a' had my
life insured," he said.

Alice had often heard of life insurance, but her
ideas as to what it meant were exceedingly vague.
" Did that — " she asked, " was that to keep you
alive always?"

"Well, no. Perhaps not always^^^ said Humpty,
who seemed decidedly in doubt about the matter
himself. "But, anyhow, I should 'a' been this
time if I hadn't 'a' had it done.

" And perhaps next time, too," he added, after
a pause.

"How did you do it?" Alice asked.

" Why, you see, I was looking over the wall to
watch a funny little pig that was going along,
when I leaned over just a little too far "

"But I meant how did you have your life
insured?" Alice interrupted.

" Oh, that /" said Humpty. " That was simple
enough. I had myself hard-boiled, — I think
that's what they call it."

8*

90 HUMPTY DUMPTY.

Here AKce laughed heartily ; but she stopped
as soon as she could, for she saw that Humpty
was much offended. "I don't see the joke my-
self," was what he said.

" I'm sure I was not laughing at y(m," she said.
"I only thought it was such an excellent plan.
Did you invent it yourself?"

"Not exactly," he replied; "I'd seen it done
up in the country, though not for the same reason
I did it."

"But didn't it hurt you?" Alice asked.

"Well, no, not much. But I did get rather
overheated ; and the worst of it was, I got such a
cold afterwards that I've been a little stiff ever
since. I think it will wear off in time. Then
my voice isn't so clear. I used to sing and ac-
company myself on the jewsharp."

Alice was trying to think how this feat could
have been accomplished, from what she knew of
that instrument.

"I used to play for Patty, too; she would

HUMPTY DUMPTY. 91

begin to sing the very moment she heard my
jewsharp."

" Patti ?" said Alice. " Do you mean the great
singer ?"

"You may call her as great as you like," he
said. "She was only a little thing herself, but
she made a great noise. Why, you could hear
her all over the house ; and to think that the cat
should have got her, after all 1"

"The cat!" exclaimed Alice, in amaze-
ment. "How in the world did the cat get
her r

"Usual way," answered Humpty, waving one
of his limp arms. "Carelessness! Cage door
left open! Sorry, of course!"

"Oh, you are talking about a birdy^ Alice
said. "I thought it was a lady you meant."

" A lady, indeed !" said Humpty. " Pray, how
could I keep a lady in a cage? Mine was a
canary-bird, and her name was Pattypan. Be-
sides, I don't know any ladies."

92 HUMPTY DUMPTY.

" The Queen is a lady, and so is the Duchess/*
said Alice.

"If the Queens and Duchesses / know of
are ladies, the fewer I have round the better
I'll like 'em. Mention another.^'

"My mother is a lady," said Alice.

"Well I shouldn't like your mother, for I
don't like yo^," he said. "Though, to be sure,
I'm not the least like my mother," he added,
in a lower tone; "and that's a fact."

" You were so fond of poetry once," said Alice,
after a pause ; " do you remember any of it now ?"

" No, not much," said Humpty. " I got tired
of it; and then playing on the jewsharp is so
much better."

" But there is one thing that I should like to
ask you very much," said Alice. " Is there any
more of the song you used to know, that was not
finished ?"

" What song, pray ?" he asked, rather gruffly.
"I used to know lots of songs."

HTJHPTY DUMPTY. 93

"Well/' said Alice, "this was a song about
fishes that didn't seem to end rightly."

" Hadn't the fishes any tails ?" he asked, with
a laugh that sounded like a croak.

Alice laughed too. "I didn't mean that the
fishes didn't end rightly," she said. " It was the
song about the fishes that didn't."

" Well," said Humpty, " I know at least eleven
songs about fishes that don't end rightly. Some-
times it's the fishes don't, and sometimes it's the
songs. Now, which is it?"

Alice was a little disconcerted, for she saw that
he was laughing at her ; so there was an awkward
pause. Presently he said, a little more graciously,
"What was the last word of this one you're
a-talking about?"

" Why," said Alice, " it was ' but.' "

" But — but — but,^^ he repeated to himself slowly.
"You're sure it wasn't butter T^

"No," said Alice, laughing; "I'm sure it
wasn't. There was something about a door that

94 HUMPTY DUMPTY.

you said you couldn't open, and the last line was,
— * / tried to turn the handhy but ' "

" I can't tell anything, I'm sure, from such a
little scrap as that," Humpty Dumpty said.
"Don't you know any more of it?"

" No," said Alice ; " but I'll try to tell you what
it was about. Though it was very much mixed up."

"Was it very much mixed up?" he asked.

"Yes, very much," she answered, smiling.

"Well, then," said Humpty, "in that case
you'll have to speak very loud, for I am quite
hard of hearing, now that I'm hard myself."

"Well," Alice began, "I believe you sent a
sort of messenger to some little fishes, to tell them
they must come up to your house. You had a
great new kettle all ready. So then they wouldn't
come, and they sent word they were asleep in bed.
And the man did not like to wake them up
again ; so you had to go yourself. And when
you got there, the door was fastened tight, and you
pounded and knocked, but you couldn't get in."

HUMPTY DUMPTY. 95

" Dear me !" said Humpty. " Did I really do
all that?"

" I suppose so," Alice replied. " It says in the
book that you did."

"Well, go on," said he.

"That's all," said Alice; "the last line was
this, you know, — ^ I tried to turn the havMe^
hit '"

"That d(yn!t seem to end very well, does it?"
he said. "I think I can find out what's the
matter, though." Then he shut his eyes and fell
into a deep revery.

Alice waited patiently, and at last he said,
" This was the way of it. You see, that last verse
you said, was down at the bottom of the page, and
I thought there was no more of it. Or else I
forgot to turn over the leaf; or maybe I turned
over two leaves at once."

"Perhaps the leaves weren't cut," Alice sug-
gested, recalling some experience of her own with
uncut magazines.

96 Ul'MPTY DUMPTY.

" There were more reasons than one, no doubt,"
said Humpty, gravely. "But years and yean
after that I found the rest of the song at the top
of the next page ; it had been there all that time.
But you're not listening."

^^ Indeed I am!" cried Alice. "What makes
you think so? I'm very much interested."

" Well, this is the rest of it, then :

The door flew open at a touchy
I saidy ^ I thank you very much.^

The door fleiv open of itself ^
There were no fishes on the shelf.

There were no little flashes there !
And that was more titan I could hear!^

"Oh, thank you!" said Alice, when he
stopped. " Is that all of it ?"

"That's every bit there was," he said. "I

HtJMPTY DtTMPfY. 97

turned over every leaf in the book to be sure.
What do you think of it?"

" Fm very glad the fishes weren't there," Alice
replied. "But it seems as if there ought to be
more still."

"Nothing would satisfy you^^ said Humpty.
"Do you know how to play the jewsharp?"

" No," said Alice ; " I've tried, but I never
could."

"No wonder!" he returned, after looking at
her intently for a few minutes. "Very few
people have the right kind of an ear for music.
I see you haven't: look at mine."

Humpty turned his head from side to side;
his ears were nothing but lines traced on his
head as if they were done with pen and ink.
"You see," he continued, "nobody could ever
learn music with ears sticking out like yours!"

Alice laughed, and said, "Have you got your
jewsharp? I should like to hear it."

" It's over there in my house," he said. " I'm

98 HUMPTY DUMPTY.

rather lame myself, but if you'll go over there
and get it, I'll play for you a bit."

She was curious to hear some of Humpty's
music, and very eager to see his house. " Don't
be afraid of my dog !" he called out after her.
" And don't go near Henny Penny ; she's cross."

She smiled to see a toy woolly dog on wheels
tied carefully to the door of the house. The
door-way was only a square hole, not large enough
to allow her to enter ; but she knelt on her hands
and knees, and looked in with great interest.
There was a heap of hay in one corner, with a
patchwork quilt neatly spread over it, that she
supposed was Humpty's bed. A little old woman,
curiously dressed in feathers, was sitting on a
rocking-chair knitting. She had a very sharp
nose and bright little eyes that peered out from
under her ruffled cap and were intently fixed on
Alice, although she kept jerking her head about
in every direction. Alice was afraid of her, so
she asked very respectfully, " Will you please tell

HUMPTY DUMPTY.

me, ma'am, where I shall find Mr. Dumpty'e
jeweharp ?" The old woman did not say a word,

-^^^^^

but kept jerking her head about worse than ever.
Alice was considering what she should do, when
she thought she heard Humpty calling her, and
looking over she saw that he had somehow con-
trived to get himself up on the wall again.

"Oh, dear! what did you do that for?" she
cried, running up to him. " You will certainly
fall down."

He stared at Alice as if he had never seen her
before, and said nothing. " I should think you

100 HUMPTY DUMPTY.

would never venture to sit on that waU again,"
she said.

" Well, I'm going to sit on it," he growled, in
an angry voice. "I'm going to sit here till I
snap my fingers, and my toes, too, if I choose, at
all the King's horses and all the King's men.
I hear 'em a-prancing along I Kings, indeed !
Hubbish ! I only wish I'd known the President
of the United States!" He shut his eyes and
began to rock very slowly to and fro, and in a
few minutes seemed to have rocked himself to
sleep, for he sat quite still with his eyes shut.
Suddenly there was a great noise and commotion
out in the road, — drums and shrill trumpets and
screaming voices. Humpty Dumpty woke up
with a sudden start that threw him off his bal-
ance, and he fell over into the road. Alice, in
dismay, climbed the wall to see what had become
of him; he had fallen among some weeds that
were growing there and lay on his back perfectly
still. But the King's men had come in sight,

HUMPTY DUMPTY. 101

and her attention was immediately turned to the
extraordinary jumble of military characters that
were crowding along the road. A glance showed
that they were not very alarming, although they
kept screaming and tumbling down and getting
up again and laying about them wildly with all
sorts of weapons ; some of them with each other's
legs and arms that they had wrenched off. Every
minute one of them would leap up and turn
somersaults in the air and come down on the
heads of the others. They sounded as if they
were made of wood, and Alice could not help
laughing at the way their arms and legs flew
about in the air. Some of their heads had come
off, too, but the owners of them seemed to be none
the worse, and kept fighting on as valiantly as
ever.

Suddenly, as if by a stroke of magic, they all
vanished as quickly as they had come, and perfect
silence reigned once more in the road.

"The King's men!" thought Alice. "And

9*

102 HUMPTY DUMPTY.

they certainly didn't even try to set Humpty
Dumpty up again that time."

She looked down at the place where he had
fallen; somehow the road looked a great deal
farther down than it was before, and she could
not see him. She went back into the yard and
opened the gate, hoping that Humpty would see
her and would come in, but no Humpty was
there, though she looked in the precise spot where
he had fallen.

CHAPTER V.

THE WHITE KNIGHT.

There was a knight on horseback standing
nearly opposite the gate singing to himself. At
first Alice thought it was one of the King's sol-
diers, but as he turned to look at her, she saw it
was no other than her favorite, the old White
Knight. She gave him a cordial smile of recog-
nition, and, although his face wore an air of per-
plexity, he smiled at her in return. "I'm not
quite so foolish as I used to be;" he said, dis-
mounting. He seemed to take her for the other
Alice.

"I never thought you were very foolish," she
repUed.

"Yes, I'm afraid I was rather foolish," he
said; "but I've learned a good many things
since then."

103

104

THE WHITE KNIGHT.

" Can you ride any better ?" she asked.

" Oh, dear, yes ! a great deal better, only "

He had been very busy with the bridle all the
time he was speaking, and now he paused for a

minute. "Only," he continued, "the reias will
come off 80, and my horse is so spirited; I'm
going to try a new plan. Have you got a ham-
mer about you?"

THE WHITE KNIGHT. 105

"No," said Alice, "I haven't any hammer.
I should think there ought to be one among
all the useful things that are hanging on your
horse."

"Ah! those aren't useful things that I have
hanging there now," said the Knight, though
without much enthusiasm. "I threw that old
rubbish away long ago. One of the things I've
learned is that only beautiful things are really
useful. But I used to have a hammer, that's
true. I wish I had kept that."

The horse seemed to be even more heavily
laden with things hanging about him than he
was in the old picture, but she could not ex-
actly make them out at first. "Those," said
the Kjiight, looking at them with complacency,
"are almost all Japanese things, or Chinese. I
don't have anything but art objects now."

He glanced at Alice with an appealing air
when she came up to the horse, as if anxious
to have her favorable opinion of his collection.

106 THE WHITE KNIGHT.

She saw that there were all sorts of boxes, and
trays, and fans, and helmets, and tea-pots, and
there were two or three monsters which she
supposed were idols. "What are you going to
do with them all?" she asked.

"Nothing just now," replied the Knight;
"but some of these days I am going to study
Art, and then I shall need everything of this
kind I can get."

All this time he had been searching about for
a hammer, apparently expecting to find one in
the middle of the road, which, in fact, he did in
the end. For he picked up a large stone, that
he said would do nearly as well, and then he took
some small nails out of his pocket.

" You see," he said, " that I've always had a
great bother with the reins, and I thought there
was no way of helping it. But up the road I
met a boy on a rocking-horse. I saw that his
reins were nailed on to his horse's mouth, and
he hadn't any trouble with them at all. It's not

THE WHITE KNIGHT. 107

my own invention, that^s true, but it's a very
good one. I thought I'd try it."

"You don't mean to say that you are going

to " " drive nails into the horse's head," was

what Alice was about to say, but she stopped
in amazement, for while she was speaking, the
Knight had actually driven a nail into his horse's
mouth. The horse stood perfectly still, however,
betraying no sign of annoyance.

"He has what they call a hard mouth, I be-
lieve," said the Knight, calmly, regarding his
work in a critical manner; "but I'm afraid,
after all "

He did not say what he was afraid of, for just
then his horse started off on a gentle trot of his
own accord, and was out of sight before they had
considered what to do about it. Some of the
Japanese things had come loose, and were falling
off right and left as he went. The Knight, who
made no attempt to recover his horse, stood look-
ing in the direction it had taken, and then turn-

108 THE WHITE KNIGHT.

ing to Alice, with a smile, he said, " What a com-
fort it is to think his reins won't come off, isn't it ?"

Then they walked on together, stopping here
and there to collect the things which had fallen
off in the road.

" They don't make these things as well as they
used to," said the Knight, sorrowfully, examining
something he had picked up which was broken ;
"and you see so many of them, all just alike,
everywhere. It's getting pretty hard to study
Art, don't you think so ?"

Alice hardly knew what to say to this, so she
opened a fan which she held in her hand, and
said, "What a pretty fan!"

" You may have it," said the Knight ; " it only
cost threepence."

"Oh, no!" said Alice, politely; "I didn't
mean "

"And you may have all these things we've
been picking up," he interrupted; "I can get
plenty more like them."

THE WHITE KNIGHT.

She tried to protest, and then to thank him,
but she found it was really no use ; and her at-

tention, too, was taken up with the difficulty she
had in holding all the things. They would keep
falling one after another in spite of all her effiirts.
Afterwards she could not recollect what finally
became of them all.

110 THE WHITE KNIGHT.

They had now come up with the horse, which
they found quietly eating grass by the roadside,
and it stood perfectly still while the Knight
climbed to his seat again. He did not attempt
to ride on, however, but allowed his horse to go
on grazing, and looked at Alice as if he expected
she would say something.

"I liked that song of yours very much/' she
said, presently. " That one you know about the
' Aged, Aged Man.^ Do you ever sing any more
now r

"Did you really like it?" said the Knight,
looking much pleased.

"Yes, indeed," said Alice; "very much. I
should like to hear you sing it."

" I hardly think I can now," he replied ; " it
has been years and years since I've sung it."

" Perhaps you know something else," she said.

" Yes," he said, " I do know another song. It's
about the * Aged, Aged Man's Wife,' but it isn't
nearly as good as the other one."

THE WHITE KNIGHT. Ill

" Oh, do please sing that," Alice urged ; " I'm
sure I shall like it."

" I don't think you will like it," said he. " It's
rather foolish I'm afraid ; and it's not as long as
the other, and not hxilf so beautiful."

"Oh, no matter; please sing it," she begged.
" What is the name of it ?"

"The name of the song is called ^Mutton
BoneSj^^ said the Knight.

"But what is the name itself?" she asked,
recollecting what a distinction he made between
the name of a song and what it was only called.

" The namej^ said the Knight, smiling, " is the
^ Littlcy Little Wife^ but the song is called the
* Missing Ininch.^ "

Here he paused for some time, and Alice
waited patiently. " The song really is ' A-sitting
on a StiUj " he said, at last. " But I'm so much
afraid you won't like it that I hardly know
whether to sing it or not. I wish I could re-
member the other. This one tells of things as

112 THE WHITE KNIGHT.

they are, and not as one would wish them to be,
you know ; and that's not pleasant."

"Oh, never mind that, please," said AKce,

eagerly. "I'm sure " But she stopped, for

he had already begun to try the tune, and looked
as if he were going to sing it.

" It's the same tune," he said ; " it's the onlv
one I know.

Ye lords and ladieSj small and great,

And every size between.
The things that I will now relate

Are things that I have seen.
I saw a little, little wife

A'sitting on a stile,
A'Cutting something with a knife

And eating all the while.

I said, * / hope yovHre pretty well ;

And what is that you^ve gotf
She said she wam!t going to tell.

Because she^d rather not.

THE WHITE KNIGHT. 113

I flew at her with all my might

To see by hook or crook;
She only held her apron tight

And wouldnH let me look.

She said J * ' Tis cold pertaters, sir,

'Tis mutton bones, it is,
^Tis bits of bread an! winegar.

And beer that doesnH fizz,
'Tis sangvridges thafs dry and tough,

Made out of mouldy cheese, —
/ wisht I only had enough, —

00 'way, sir, if you please!

But I was feeling rather blue,

With plasters on my head,
And so I wouldn't listen to

A single word she said.
And I was getting sleepy then,

1 should have been in bed.
And so I flew at her again

And asked her what she said.

*

h 10*

THE WHITE KNIGHT.

She mid, 'I'm not afraid a bit;

I begs for wkai I've got.
Sometimes the thinga I gets is fit

To eat, and sometimes not.
And as to what I'm eaiing now,

I'm not argm.ng to say;
Your honor catCt expect as how

I d give myself auay

Now, I had lost my lunch that i
For soToe one cams along

THE WHITE KNIGHT. 115

And stole it while I went my way

A-dngiTig of my song.
And since I hadnH any doubt

^Twas she had got the things^
I took my trusty scissors out

And snipped her apron-strings.

I saw it was my lunch, indeed !

And tears came to mine eyes;
My calces with coriander seed.

My lovely buttered pies !
And when I called my woolly dog.

And gave the things to him.
She hopped about me like a frog.

And shook from limb to limb.

And when the days are blue and chill,

And when the fire is low,
And when my horse is standing still

Because he mil not go;

lie THE WHITE KNIGHT.

And sometimes when I make them wait

And they begin to scold,
And somstim^s when I corns in late,

And find my dinner cold ;

I nefver answer yes or no,
Not say a single word to show
My wits are not so very slow ;
I try to let m/y memory go
To valiant deeds of long ago
In which I overcame the foe.
That little womun filled with woe.
Who thought she could deceive me so;
Who hopped about both to and fro, —
She was so very vexed, you know,
A-sitting on a stile.''

As soon as the Knight had come to the end of
his song, they heard a sharp little voice close at
hand that said, " What does all that stuff mean ?"
Alice looked about her, but could see nobody at
all.

THE WHITE KNIGHT. 117

" I think I'd better be going," said the Knight.
And smiling rather sadly, he pulled up his horse's
head as if to ride on. This was so unexpected
to the horse that he started suddenly, and the
Knight fell off head foremost.

" I was thinking of something else just then,"
he said; "something very important, too, or I
shouldn't have let him do that." He seemed so
much chagrined that Alice tried to look as though
she had not noticed it.

"Do you know who it was that was speaking
just now ?" she asked. " I was very much vexed,
for I was just going to tell you how much I liked
your song."

" Oh, yes, that was the important thing I was
thinking about," he said, without replying to her
question. " Did you like it as much as the other
one ?"

"N-no, not quitey I think," answered Alice;
" but you know the other one was so very beau-
tiful."

118 THE WHITE KNIGHT.

" Well, you see," he said, smiling, " I invented
this one myself; the first one was invented by
my brother. He's the other White Knight, you
know."

" Oh, was it ?" Alice said, suddenly recollecting
that of course there were two White Knights.
" I should like very much to see your brother."

" He's exactly like me," said the Knight.
"We are twins, you know, and you couldn't
tell the diflference. We can't ourselves, some-
times."

" Well, but he doesn't have Japanese things on
his horse, does he?" said Alice, smiling, as she
observed the Knight trying to fasten some of the
things on more securely.

"Yes he does, — the very same," he replied.
" But I'm going to propose to him that we should
have only fmlf of our things artistic after this.
But I really must be going now." He looked
about him with some apprehension, she thought,
and then pulling up the horse's head again, and

THE WHITE KNIGHT. 119

saying "Good-by," he set off on a brisk trot.
He very nearly fell off once, but recovering his
balance quite skilfully, he turned back to her
with a smile of triumph.

CHAPTER VI.

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

As soon as the White Knight had disappeared,
Alice thought of the mysterious voice they had
heard. He was so evidently disconcerted when
she spoke of it at first that she had not referred
to it afterwards. Very soon she heard the same
voice again, apparently coming from overhead
this time, and looking up she saw a head that
could only be that of the Red Queen. She was
standing behind the high hedge, supported on
something apparently insecure, for she disap-
peared twice very suddenly while she was staring
at Alice, and seemed to have some difficulty in
getting up again. At last there was a scratch-
ing sound followed by some rather forcible ex-
pression of impatience. " Couldn't I help you ?"

120

THE BED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 121

asked Alice, looking through a small gap in the
hedge.

There was no answer, but presently the Red
Queen rose before her, standing up very stiffly
out of the weeds like a Jack-in-the-box.
"Peepers never see any good of 'emselves,"
she said, sharply.

"How do you do, your majesty?" said Alice,
who could not think of anything else to say,
although this seemed hardly adequate to the
occasion.

" How do I do? Nonsense I There is no such
thing I You mean, what do I do? And very
deceitful of you, too, for you don't care."

Alice paused, trying to think of something
pleasant and conciliating to say.

" And what do you do ?" resumed the Queen.
" Do you make your own frocks, — ^the one you've
got on, for instance?"

"No, your majesty; my mother made this

one."

11

122 THE BED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

"Ah, I thought as much," said the Queen,
smiling. "Just stand out of my light, will

you r

Alice saw that the Queen was knitting, but
was quite sure she was not standing in her light.

" I'm sorry, your majesty " she began.

"Oh, do stop saying *your majesty,' *your
majesty,' *your majesty' all the time; it fairly
makes me dizzy. And you needn't be sorry
unless it pleases you, for it doesn't please me.
Chatter, chatter, chatter ! how can I count my
stitches ?"

Alice was rather annoyed at such unfairness,
even from a Chess Queen, and she resolved not
to say any more.

"And where did you come from, that you
don't speak when you're spoken to, pray?" said
the Queen at last.

" Why, your maj — that is, I mean, I thought
you were counting stitches, ma'am."

"No getting on with her, anyway, is there?"

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 123

said the Cheshire Cat, suddenly making one of
the party. It was sitting on top of the hedge,
and winked at Alice, first with one eye and
then with the other. The Red Queen did not
look up jfrom her knitting.

"Tve got a piece of news," said the Cat.
" You remember the Duchess, don't you ?"

"Of course I do," Alice said. "I shouldn't
think anybody could forget her."

"Well, you'll forget her fast enough now if
you can," answered the Cat. " She's been turned
into some kind of a Queen or something, and even
I won't stand her airs any more. Poor old Moun-
seer, — he cavHt get away."

"Who's Mounseer?" asked Alice.

"Mounseer? Why, you saw him, — he's the
French footman," replied the Cat.

" I don't see how the Duchess cmild be much
worse than she was," said Alice.

"Recollect that I call the Duchess my aunt,
you know, and be a trifle careful of what you

124 THE EED QUEEN AKD THE DUCHESS.

say," the Cat said, severely, beginning to vanish.
" By the way, I shall tell her what you Bay of
her," it called out of the air.

" That's the worst of a cat like that ; it grina bo
all the time that you can't tell whether it's in a
bad humor or not. I wish I could find out how
it contrives to disappear that way." Alice said
this partly to herself and partly to the Queen ;
but she was answered by the Duchess, who had

THE RED QUEEN AND THE BUCHESS. 125

appeared almost as suddenly as if she were a
Cheshire Cat. She seemed to be in quite a gra-
cious mood.

" That cat has puzzled wiser heads than yours
or mine," she said.

Here the Cheshire Cat suddenly made its ap-
pearance again.

" The fact is/' it said, with a wider grin than
ever, " Fm made out of India-rubber."

" India-rubber !" exclaimed Alice. " Are you,
really?"

"The very best, from top to toe," it said.
"And when I've a mind to I rub myself out."

" What shocking nonsense, Chessy !" said the
Duchess ; "just like a newspaper joke. Get back
to your kittens this minute."

The Cat instantly vanished again, but they
could hear it growling and spitting in the air.
Alice thought it must be about the kittens.

"What's the matter with you?" called the

Duchess to her invisible niece.

11*

126 THE BED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

"Nasty thing!" said the Red Queen. It was
impossible to tell whether she meant the Duchess
or the Cat. The Duchess turned and stared at
her through her eye-glass. Alice thought that
perhaps they had not the pleasure of each other^s
acquaintance, and that she ought to introduce
them. She said over to herself, "The Hed
QueeUy — the Duchessy But it did not soimd
quite right; neither did " Your Majesty^ — her
Oracer She had just about decided on the
proper form, when the Duchess said, —

"That cat is a regular pepper-box of liesl
What's it been saying about me? Come,— out
with it !"

"Why, it said — ^that you had been made a
Queen," said Alice.

"Dear, dear! what a world!" cried the
Duchess, shaking with laughter, and rolling
about so that it seemed as if she would up-
set. "How things do get about! But I'll tell
you the whole story, from beginning to end.

THE BED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 127

You know my cloak? It's velvet, lined with
ermine."

" Rabbit^kins I" said the Bed Queen, with a
scornful sniff.

"I wasn't referring to your cloak," said the
Duchess, with a withering smile. It was begin-

ning to be evident that the coolness between the
ladies was not owing to a lack of mutual acquaint-

128 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

anceship. " / have a cloak lined with ermine,"
resumed the Duchess ; " hers is, as she says, lined
with rabbit-skins ; but that's neither here nor
there. Well, last Monday, you know, it poured
pitchforks, so I had to turn my cloak wrong side
out, for velvet's velvet, you know, in these days.
And so the King of Spades said to me, *You
look like a ten of spades, madam,' — ^he meant, you
see, those little black tails stuck all over the white
for; just his little joke, you know. He can't
count any more than ten, of course; but, bless
me ! I must have looked like a hundred of spades
at the very least."

Here the Duchess stopped to laugh immoder-
ately. " But that's not a//," she continued, giving
Alice a little poke; "then says I, *Not the ten
of spades, Sire; would I were like the Queen.'
'Madam,' he said, 'I trust that you may be
one of these days a Queen in name as you are in
nature.' Those were his very words." Here
the Duchess simpered in the most ridiculous

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 129

manner, and held a large fan up to her face.
" And do you know," she added, " I believe I am
to be some day, perhaps."

"Fiddle-sticks!" said the Red Queen. Alice
and the Duchess looked at her, but she kept her
eyes fixed on her knitting and said nothing else.
The Duchess smiled, and tapped her own fore-
head with one finger, nodding her head towards
the Queen as if to signify that something was the
matter with her majesty's head.

" What are you reading now ?" she asked Alice,
aflter a short pause. She had the air common to
most people who ask that question, of not caring
the least whether you answer them or not. Alice
took her quite seriously, however, and said that
she had just been reading over again a book
called Alice in Wonderland.

" What a name for a book!" exclaimed the
Duchess. "The only book / ever read was
called * Denphobus -Wiggins - or - Wild - Salt-
Life - IN - the - Nor'- Nor'- West. " ' This name

130 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

she repeated very rapidly and as if it were only
one long word.

" Is that the only book you ever read ?" asked
Alice. •

"Let's hear what's the matter with it, hey?"
growled the Duchess.

" Why, it must have been very hard to read,"
replied Alice, doubtfully. She hardly knew
what to say, indeed.

"Not near so hard to read as a book that
you've never heard of," said the Duchess. "In
fact, I don't see how you could read that at
all."

"Was it a true story?" Alice asked.

"Worse and worse!" cried the Duchess. "A
true story, indeed ! If I'd had even half an idea
you weren't going to believe me I shouldn't have
even mentioned the book. Why, I'm old enough
to be your grandmother. And I don't speak the
truth, hey ?" She was evidently getting into one
of her pepper-jigs.

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 131

"You don't quite understand, I think "

Alice began.

"Me! — don't understand!" screamed the
Duchess. "Why, I understand things by the
dozens, by the heaps and crowds and piles!
You little pert pig, you! Pray, how did you
ever crawl here?"

"I don't know, your grace," answered Alice,
anxious to say anything at all to mend mat-
ters.

"Not that I care, though," said the Duchess,
suddenly subsiding, and leaning back comfortably
in an arm-chair in which she was seated. The
minute before there had been no arm-chair there ;
it was very strange where it could have come
from. She was sound asleep presently, and Alice,
finding that the Bed Queen had meanwhile gone
away, sat down on the grass by the roadside, quite
glad to have a few minutes to herself. It turned
out that she had only very few indeed, however.
For the Duchess soon awoke and sat up in her

132 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

chair, and, giving Alice a sharp dig with her fim,
she said, " Come, wake up, child I and go on with
your story."

Alice tried to explain that she was not asleep
and that she had not been telling a story.

" Oh, how all this conversation does bore one I'*
said the Duchess, with a yawn, leaning back in
the chair and fanning herself. "I hate to con-
verse I"

"I don't see why you converse, then," Alice
could not help saying.

^^ Noblesse oblige P^ replied the Duchess.

Alice had heard this phrase before, and wished
that she knew exactly what it meant, but she was
determined not to say another word if she could
help it.

" That means," the Duchess went on to explain,
" that I'm obliged to go on talking whether you
like it or not." •-

" Oh," said Alice, rising, " then I'll go away at

once."

THE RED QU££N AND TH£ DUCHESS. 133

^* No, you w(mHj^ said the Duchess, poking her
with the fan; "just sit down again, please."

" Well but this conversation bores me too," said
Alice, courageously.

" I can't help that," said the Duchess, sternly.
" Noblesse oblige; sit still." And then she almost
immediately fell asleep again.

Alice had always had the idea that noblesse
oblige was rather a fine quality in its possessors,
but she now made up her mind that it was any-
thing but pleasant for the victim, and resolved
that she would put up with it no longer. But
just then she saw a strange-looking crowd ad-
vancing on the road. At first she thought it was
the Bang's army coming back again, and it was
only as they drew nearer that she saw that it was
the same set of creatures she had left at the
March Hare's tea-table. The tea things must
have aome after all, for several of them had plates
in their hands, and one or two had cups out of
which they were drinking. She stood aside, and

12

134 THE BED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

they did not notice her at all, but crowded round
the Duchess, who rose from her seat and began
bowing and smiling and making ridiculous courte-
sies to them. " TakQ seats," she said, waving her
hand majestically towards the arm-chair.

" Thank you kindly, mum," said the Gryphon,
" but we're all a-going to the Royal Kindergarten,
and so we stopped for you. It's ' visitor's day.' "
Then they all quickly disappeared, and though

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 135

Alice could not see how it happened, they must
have taken the Duchess with them, chair and all.

The Red Queen had returned, and was knitting
as industriously as ever. Alic^ saw that it was
a pair of mittens which she seemed to be knitting
both at once. She looked up with a grim sort of
smile, evidently in a somewhat better humor than
before. " I was just behind that hedge the whole
time," she said. " Noblesse oblige, indeed ! Did
you see the Duchess tapping her forehead ? De-
pend upon it, something's the matter with the
old thing's head."

" She's very ridiculous, isn't she ?" said Alice,
laughing.

" She's said to possess the finest, if not the next
to the finest, manner in all Europe ; that's what
she is. You ought to take her for a what d'ye
call it," the Queen said, with a smile.

"A what?" Alice asked.

"Oh, the thing you cut out dresses with,"
said the Queen.

a

a

136 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

"Scissors?" suggested Alice.

"No, no, no! how could you cut out dresses
with scissors? I mean you lay it on the table
and cut out all round it."
Oh, a pattem,^^ Alice said.
Yes, yes, — a pattern I You ought to take her
for a pattern," said the Queen, really almost
laughing. "By the way, how old are you?"

"I'm nearly ten years old," replied Alice,

"Very nearly as old as I was at your agel"
exclaimed the Queen. "What a coincidence I"

" You must have been exactly as old as I am
at my age," Alice explained.

"No!" contradicted the Queen. "You didn't
say exactly ten; you said nearly."

"Oh, dear!" sighed Alice, in despair.

" Well," said the Queen, " it's best to be exact
always ; but it was a long while ago ; and I've
grown, whilst you haven't. That makes a differ-
ence, of course. Then I see you have straight
hair and clean black stockings, and that goes a

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 137

great way. So I'll see what I can do for you.
By the way, these are for my son." And she
held up the mittens before Alice.

" You've finished them, haven't you ?" she said.

^^ HavenH I, then I" said the Queen. "And
my son went off to college this very morning. I
believe I thought of everything, excepting, per-
haps, hair-pins."

" I shouldn't think he would need hair-pins,"
said Alice, laughing.

" He didn't, of course," said the Queen.

"Then what made you think of them?"

"Haven't I just said that I didnH think of
them?" asked the Queen.

All this time she had been drawing the mittens
on her own hands, pulling them up on her arms
so that they reached her elbows. " Regular snow-
shovels, aren't they?" she said, holding out her
arms. " But why don't you say ^ iVb, thank you^
or ' Yes^ please,^ or something f^ she added, for
Alice did not seem to be paying much attention.

12*

138 THE RED Qn££N AND THE DVCHEaa

"I wish " she began.

"You needn't wish for these mittens, for I
can't afford to give them to you," interrupted
the Queen.

" I don't want them at all, thank you," AJice
answered. " I was wishing I could see the Ked
King if I might."

*' The Red King ? Oh, he's about here some-
where; he can't be very far off, you know."
"We should be pleased to accept the homage

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 139

of the young person were we but in circum-
stances " This was said by a voice near by,

that broke off suddenly, and added in a lower
tone, evidently addressed to the Queen, "My
dear, come here a minute^ please ; I want to speak
to you/'

" Oh, come out with you !" the Queen called to
him ; " this young person won't mind about your
feet."

" But / mind. Things have come to a pretty
pass if I can't have my feet, even when company
comes," muttered the King, limping out from
his retreat with a crutch under one arm, and his
other hand on a sceptre for a cane. Alice saw
that he had no feet, but carefully avoiding any
critical notice of the fact, she made him what
she conceived to be a courtesy ; this he returned
by a rather awkward bow. "You'll pardon a
cripple," he said. " * Uneasy is the head that
wears a crcywn^ yet it befalls us at present to be
more uneasy as to our feet than our head."

140 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

" I am most deeply sorry that your majesty has
suffered such grievous loss," replied Alice in the
choicest language she could command.

" My dear, I think this requires some explanar
tion," he said, turning to the Queen.

" I'll explain it with pleasure," she said, with
a wave of her hand. "To cut a long matter
short "

"As you did me," he muttered.

"His majesty, as you call him, got a crazy
notion that it didn't suit him to go to bed of
nights, but he must go meandering about in the
woods, — * looking for acorns,' he says."

"It was only of moonlight nights," he ex-
plained.

" Do stop interrupting so !" she went on.
"And then in the daytime that makes him as
sleepy as a bat, and so he goes snoring about like
a wild pig. Acorns, indeed! I'm not sure he
isnH a wild pig. He dozes while the game is
going on, so that our side loses every time.

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 141

Who's going to fight with any spirit around a
king that's snoring on the very chess-board be-
fore your eyes ? So one day, when I came along
and found him all in a heap under a tree, I just
unscrewed his feet."

" And the consequence is " the King began,

sadly.

"And the consequence is," interrupted the
Queen, "he cwnUt go scrambling about of nights;
and the consequence is, he's awake when other
folks are. And now you know all there is to
know about it."

"It's high time somebody knew all about it,"
said the Bang, laying aside his royal manner,
" and time something was done about it, too. I
want you," he said to Alice, "to look about the
country and find the Red Ejiights, and tell them
to run up to my assistance at once. This might
have been amusing at first, but it no longer ceases
to be fiinny." Then he limped slowly away,
followed by two pawns in waiting.

142 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

Alice thought it was quite a tragedy. "I
should think he couldn't play in the game at
all without feet," she objected, after a pause.

" He can't," answered the Queen. " They have
to get a black wooden King out of another set.
He's an awkward creature, but he knows enough
to keep his eyes open and his mouth shut in the
game."

"Have you really got his feet safe?" Alice
asked.

The Queen reached into the depths of her
pocket and produced a handful of things ; there
was a thimble and a small key, a few beads and
two or three sixpences, and finally the King's feet,
with their round base attached. Alice wondered
afterwards that she had not been more surprised
at this impossible proceeding. " There they are,
you see, slider and all."

" Slider /" Alice exclaimed.

"Yes, to slide over the chess-board. You
don't suppose we want to walk about on that

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 143

slippery thing with our own feet, do you? We
couldn't."

" Well, I hope he will have it back again be-
fore long," said Alice.

" Plen-tj of time !" replied the Queen ; " and
you needn't go bothering the Knights about it,
either, for I've told 'em myself. By the way,
you may see the Black King, too, if you like;
he's so awfully civil to me ; it's great fun to hear
him talk."

She went close to the hedge, and called out,
** Alexander / Alexander the Great/ Here's a
young lady wants to see you !"

Is that really his name?" asked Alice.
No, of course not! Alexander/ do you
hear me?"

Either his majesty did not hear or else declined
to obey the summons, for there was no answer.
She called again and again, listening each time
for a response that did not come.

" He's playing a game with his own set, that's

((

a

144 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DDCHESS.

it," the Queen said, at last ; " for he's always to
obedient. But you can fancy a little what he's
like, for here comes a Black Knight of the Bet
with a message, I suppose. What sort of a tiling
is he riding on ?"

A little procession was coming towards them
with a Black Knight in the midst mounted on a

toy wooden horse that went on wheels. A row of
little black pawns were dragging it slowly along.
When they came near they stopped, and the

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 145

Knight bobbed his head awkwardly in acknowl-
edgment of the Queen's rank.

"The King's compliments, and wich he can*t
wait on your majesty, not to say, leastways, at
present, mum."

" How's your game going ?" asked the Queen,
with an air of haughty indifference. "Not so
well, I should say, with all of you out of
it."

" No, mum, — ^werry anxious, mum," replied the
Knight. " Wich the King were a-looking werry
bad, mum, when I see him, and the rest of 'em
all puzzling of it out the best what they could."

The Queen majestically waved her hand, and
turned away; but Alice still stood looking with
interest at the Black Knight and the efforts of his
servants to turn the horse round. Twice they
nearly upset him, so that at last she could not
help going to their aid, and by lifting the front
wheels a little, easily turned the horse's head in
the right direction. Then picking up two of the

Q k 18

146 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

little pawns that had fallen, she waited until she
saw them all safely trotting off down the road.

"You won't get any gratitude out of those
cheaply made chessmen," said the Queen, scorn-
fully. " Why, you dear old thing, how are you
to-day f^

These last words were addressed, not to Alice,
but to the White Queen, who suddenly arrived,
breathing very hard, and unable to speak at first.
"You shouldn't run so, you really should 7W><,"
the Red Queen went on. "How hot you look!
and how untidy, and dusty I Here, What's-your-
name, run get her a fan I get her some water I
get her a cup of tea I"

" No, no, nothing ! No tea, — ^too hot ! no water,
— too cold!" gasped the other. "What %» her
name, anyhow?"

"Alice, I think," said the Red Queen.

" No, no ! not that. Her real name, I mean, —
queen, princess, duchess, seamstress, waitress, or
whatever I Let me he^ please ; I'm all right now."

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 147

And the White Queen, who seemed to have come
to herself, was staring at Alice.

"I should like efver so much to be a queen,
please your majesty, or a princess," said Alice,
who had not thought of it before. "How I
should like," she said to herself, "to have a
crown on my head if I chance to meet the old
Duchess again, and to say ^noblesse oblige^ to
her I"

" You can't be a chess queen now, you know,
for there's no game going on," said the White
Queen ; " but I'll lend you my crown for a little
while."

" Oh, thank you !" said Alice. " I'd rather not,
though, unless I could be a real queen, and have
one always."

"Well, you may have it always, then," she
said, laughing ; " I've got plenty more, and I see
you haven't anything at all on your head. You'll
take cold."

"Oh, thank your majesty very muchj^ she

148 THE BED QUEEN AND THE DDCHE88.

cried, as the Queen took off her crown and
rather unceremoniously placed it on Alice's head,
crowning herself directly afterwards with an-
other one which came to hand with mysterious
promptness.

" They don't seem to care any more for them
than if they were old hats," Alice thought, trying
to set the crown straight on her head. " But I
suppose nothing could make me a real queen."

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 149

Still, notwithstanding this, and the fact that it
was rather heavy and uncomfortable, a crown is
a crown after all, and she was soon lost in pleasant
meditation as to what she would say and do if she
should chance to see the Duchess again. Think-
ing about this and other things, she almost forgot
the two Queens, who, meanwhile, went on with
their conversation ; and Alice, when she had re-
called her wandering attention, could not tell
what they were talking about at first. There was
evidently some "function" at which they were
both to appear.

"Will you wear the new gown you had on
yesterday?" she heard the Red Queen ask.

" So you saw it, then, did you ? How did you
like it ?" said the White Queen.

"Oh, charming!" said the other. "So youth-
ftil looking. It didn't fit at all in the back
breadth, and such a color! And the skirt was
miles too short again, and all crooked, too. And
why did you have it trimmed that way?" She

13*

150 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

drew a diagonal line ' across herself from one
shoulder down, to denote the objectionable trim-
ming.

The White Queen did not seem to know what
to say to this. " What will you wear ?" she asked.

" Oh, that's a secret until the dress rehearsal,''
replied the Red Queen; "and, by the way, will
you be ready?"

"I can't tell at all," said the White Queen.
"I've got my book along with me now. Won't
you rehearse with me that place where we come
in together?"

Alice now perceived that they were talking
about some kind of drama in which they were
both to act. She longed to ask them all about
it, for a little private theatrical that she had once
witnessed had seemed to her the most delightful
entertainment in the world ; but, as the Queens
appeared to have entirely forgotten her presence,
she thought she would probably find out more
by listening than by interrupting them. After a

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 161

little more chatter, they both opened their books
and took positions opposite each other, the Red
Queen solemnly announcing, —

"Act IL Scene IV.

B. Q. Who has the knife ?

W. Q. The butcher has the knife.

B, Q. Have you the meat of the tailor?

TT. Q. No, I have not the meat of the rich tailor;
I have the tea of that poor man.

B, Q, Has the carpenter the cloth shoe of the doc-
tor's sister or the cotton stocking of the hatter's aunt?

W. Q. He has the leather shoe of the cousin's brother.

B. Q, Who has the vinegar?

W. Q. The small dog of the baker has the vinegar
and the butter.

B. Q. What have you?

W. Q. I have the bad butter of the neighbor's aunt.

B. Q. Has the good carpenter the bad oysters of the
wise mother-in-law, or the fried chicken of the baker's
aunt?

W. Q. He has neither (ni Vun ni V autre)] he has
the boiled owl of the house-keeper's nephew and the
roast pork of the son-in-law's uncle."

152 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

" You don't put fire and spirit enough into the
lines," said the Red Queen when they were done.
" That French quotation is so beautifiil if you say
it right/'

"It's as much as I can do to pronounce the
words at all," replied the White Queen, meekly.

Just then they seemed to become suddenly
aware of Alice's presence, and the Red Queen
said, " And so you^ve been listening here all this
time, have you? Well, what do you think of
us?"

Alice had found it exceedingly difficult to keep
from laughing aloud during the rehearsal. She
said now, as soberly as possible, " Why, it sounds
very much like Fasquelle's French Grammar, I
think."

The two Queens looked at each other, evidently
very much impressed. " I told you it was some-
thing quite out of the common," said the Red
Queen. " One of the White Bishops said it re-
minded him of Shakespeare. And that's a very

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 153

fine part, too," she continued, " where the bishop
himself comes in, and says, —

' Why has the small monkey stolen the pickles of the
kind blacksmith T "

" Does it go on like that all the way ?" asked
Alice, turning her head away, and feeling that
she certainly must contrive to change the sub-
ject at oncd>

"What's the matter?" asked the Red Queen,
looking at her suspiciously. " Are you choking ?"

" I was rather afraid I miffht choke," answered
Alice; and seeing that her only safety was in
talking about the first thing that came into her
head, she said, "I suppose if the Red King is
going to come into the play he will have his feet,
won't he ? And will the Duchess have a part in

it, too r

" Stop asking questions, like a tee-to-tum," said
the Red Queen ; " don't you see how you disturb
her I"

1&4 THE SED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

Changes certainly took place very suddenly in
this country. The White Queen was now seated
on the grass, turning over a great bundle of

papers in frantic haste. Alice thought at first
that they had something to do with the theatri-
cals. They seemed to contain something the
Queen was very anxious to find. She hurriedly
turned them over and over, and upside down,
and held them very close to her eyes and then

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 155

very far off, rubbing her eyes continually so that
they were growing red.

"She wants spectacles," Alice suggested.

"No, she don't," said the Red Queen; "she
wants to know what day of the month it is, or
else what time the trains go; she don't know
which."

" Both, I expectj^ said the White Queen, look-
ing wildly about her, and giving all the papers
to Alice. "Just you look over these, will
you ?"

"Why," exclaimed Alice, as she turned them
over rapidly, "these are nothing but pieces of
paper !"

" I know they're pieces of paper as well as you
do," said the White Queen, snappishly.

"But I mean there's nothing at all on them,"
said Alice ; " they're only blank paper."

" She knows there's nothing on them," said the
Red Queen. "If there had been anything on
them she could have found it for herself."

156 THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS.

"Of course I could," said the other, with a
sigh of relief. "And we really must be going,

too. Just tell the Bishops What shall she

tell the Bishops?" And she looked inquiringly
at the Red Queen.

"Let her simply give the ^Messa^Cj I should
say — and the ^Paper^ " she replied.

" That^s the thing I wanted to find," said the
White Queen. " I remember now. That's right ;
you can simply give them the ^Message^ and the
'Paper J The Bishops, you know."

" No, indeed I" Alice cried ; " I donH know at
all. I've no idea what you want me to do. I
never heard of the Bishops."

" Just tell them what we've told you, and don't
make such a noise and fuss about it, either," said
the Red Queen. " Hold up your head, turn out
your toes, and speak in a loud, cheerful voice.
Very few people know the best way to talk to a
bishop."

" I'm afraid / shan't know," said Alice, rather

THE RED QUEEN AND THE DUCHESS. 157

anxiously. "I should like to see the Bishops,
but "

"One of them has no head," said the White
Queen, suddenly.

"No head!" exclaimed Alice.

" No," said the Red Queen ; " he took off his
mitre one hot day and he happened to lose it,
and as his head was in the mitre, he lost that too.
So he has no head."

"Oh, dear!" said Alice; "I should think a
Bishop would never venture to take his mitre
off."

"Oh, it doesn't make much difference; their
heads aren't of much use," she said. And,
gathering up their skirts, both ladies disappeared
through the gap in the hedge without another
word.

14

CHAPTER VIL

THE BISHOPS.

" Now what in the world am I to do ?" thought
Alice. " If the Bishops should come along, I
don't know wiiat I'm to say. But I suppose I can
give them all these papers, and just tell them that
the Queens commanded me to, and then I shall
have nothing to do with it."

As she began to pick up the scattered papers
to arrange them neatly, she was surprised to j&nd
that many of them now had writing upon them,
although she was sure there had been none what-
ever when she looked over them before. It was
all in Looking-Glass language.

" What fun they must be !" she thought. " And
if the Bishops don't come along, I mean to take
them home with me and read them in the looking-

168

THE BISHOPS. 159

glass. And, anyhow, I needn't give them all to
the Bishops, for the White Queen said just the
* Message^ and the * Paper J I'll see if I can't tell
which of these papers those are." So she began
by looking carefully at each one as she laid it
down.

4lfev9di^ 9v% ^^O^

She spelled out this name without much diffi-
culty. " That must be one of them !" she cried ;
" and I'll just keep it on the top, so that it will
be all ready to give them." Presently she came
to another title which was just as easy to read as
common writing. It was:

^Bj>^^Qii)© avrtG

"There!" thought she, "I have the ^ Message^
and the ^ Paper* both. And now I hope the
Bishops will come. What a pity it is that one
of them has no head !"

160 THE BISHOPS.

She now set off again, with the papers under
her arm, in readiness for fresh adventures, and
determined not to be surprised at anything.
Nevertheless, she was really startled before she
had gone very far to find that two of the Bishops,
a Red and a White one, were just behind her.

As she stopped they came up, and, one on either
side of her, they all walked on together. The

THE BISHOPS. 161

Red Bishop was the one who had been so unfortu-
nate as to lose his head ; but, as the Queen had
said, it did not seem to make much difference to
him. They were two plump little fellows, but
they tried to look as dignified as possible. Both
of them had books ; that of the Red Bishop was
under his arm ; but the White Bishop had his in
one hand, with his thumb in the place where he
had been reading.

The headless Bishop had in some inscrutable
way retained the use of his voice, though he ex-
pressed himself only in very short sentences. It
was he, in fact, who began the conversation.

"Well, child!" was all he said, however.

"Well, my young friend," said the other
Bishop immediately, "what are you doing here?
Employing your time usefully, I hope ? Remem-
ber," he added, patting her on the shoulder, —

" That useful is as useful does,
And flies delight to skip and huzz,^^

I 14*

162 THE BISHOPS.

" Time flies /" said the Red Bishop.

"True! too true!'' said the other. "And the
little buzzy bee flies. Talking of bees reminds
me of them. An extremely moral little creature
is your bee.

Sovj doth the little bizzing bee

Her shiny nose preparej
And gatJfer wax for you and mCy

And honeycomb her hair I

Ohj if we, toOj would but give heed.

And seek for all we flnd,
Then bees would be of use, indeed

To educate. the mind.

9

Such things as these," he continued, "are very
important to remember ; we too frequently forget
them."

Although Alice had expected to find the
Bishops very superior personages, she was hardly
prepared to have them quite so patronizing as

THE BISHOPS. 163

this one was, considering, too, that she was a
queen, and was, besides, so much taller, even than
the one who had a head. She put up her hand
to feel if the crown was still there ; the White
Bishop noticed the movement. "Ah!" said he,
"crowned heads signify but little! Perishable
things ! Vain tinsel, alas !

^Sceptre and crown
Must tumble down P "

" Jack fell down /" said the headless Bishop.

"True, so we hear! Ha, ha! Well put!"

responded the White Bishop. 'Tis a usefiil

proverb :

* Jack fell down

And broke his crown.^

And for aught we learn to the contrary, it may
have been broken in half."

"Half a crown, — ^two and six!" the other
Bishop was heard to mutter.

164 THE BISHOPS.

" Yes ; there's a certain fitness in that remark,"
the White Bishop said. "Money, too, hath its
charms to soothe as well as bees. Talking of
money reminds me of it. Have you such a thing
as sixpence about you ?" This he said to Alice.

"No, sir!" she promptly replied.

"Not even in your pocket?" he asked.

"No; I haven't a penny," she said. "The
Red Queen is the only person I've seen here who
has any sixpences, and she has only two, I think.
But that reminds me that I have a ^ Message^ and
a ^ Paper' for you."

"Have you so, indeed?" the White Bishop
asked eagerly, as Alice carefully selected the
papers. His countenance fell, however, as he
glanced at them.

"These are merely poems," he said. "Was
there not, perchance, an envelope or small package
as well?"

"No, not a thing," answered Alice. "This is
all I was to give you."

THE BISHOPS. 165

" I thought I heard you make some allusion to
your having been reminded of these papers in
connection with sixpence?" he said, wistfully, as
if there might be a morsel of hope.

" No,'' said Alice, " the sixpences had nothing
at all to do with it ; but perhaps the Queen will
give you one when you see her."

"No, she wonHj^ said the Red Bishop, de-
cidedly, while the other one sadly shook his head,
and remarked, as he wiped away a tear on his
sleeve, —

" 'Tis a world of contrarious things ; and this,
as I observed, is simply poetry. However, I
doubt not 'tis good poetry, even if simple." He
began to look over the papers.

" Must you read it now ?" asked the headless
Bishop.

The other made no reply. He was reading to
himself with a forced smile, trying to recover his
natural voice, and doing his best to be brave.
Alice almost felt sorry for him.

166 THE BISHOPS.

At last he said, with heroic ease, " This seems,
indeed, to be truly fine poetry. It will be an
addition to my collection worth the price of ad-
mittance."

"Are you making a collection of poems?"
Alice inquired.

" Yes," he said, " as you see." And he opened
the book he had in his hand at the title-page.

" * Poems suitable for all Occasions.
A Collection for the Use of SchoolSy "

she read aloud. "How very interesting they
must be !"

" Well, indeed, may you say so !"^ returned the
White Bishop. "I read them sometimes for
hours and hours. A collection of suitable poems
is a far greater work of the mind than a so-called
poet himself. When I commence to read these,
I hardly know, indeed, when I shall stop."

"Needn't begin yet," murmured the Red
Bishop, in a rather dejected voice.

THE BISHOPS. 167

" I will, at present, merely dip into it in order
to allay our impatience. Tfdsy now, is really fine,
— ^hear this specimen! The images, all taken
from the hand of Nature, cannot but please the
incredulous :

* Birds in their little nests agree
To make a shameful sight;
The children of one family
Fall out the side and fight P

Now that's as true and just a sentiment as you'll
find of a summer's day, I hope." Saying this,
he shut the papers up in his book.

They had now come to a high-barred gate on
the roadside. Half-way up, clinging to a bar and
evidently trying to get over into the road, was the
White King. His motions, naturally rather stiff*,
were much impeded by his having a sceptre in
one hand and a book and lead-pencil in the
other. Alice ran over to see if she could help
him.

168 THE BISHOPS.

" Let me hold your book and your sceptre,"
she said, "until you get over."

*' No I" said the King. " I do not trust a
Memoranda of my Feelings to another; and as
to my sceptre, I never let go of that under any
circumstances."

THE BISHOPS. 169

" Well, then," Alice thought, repeating one of
the Bishop's quotations, —

" ^ Sceptre and crown
Must tumble down V "

But presently, seeing that the King was not able
either to get up or to get down again, she climbed
on the gate herself, and, reaching over, she lifted
him quite off his feet, over the topmost bar. She
then helped him to get down on the other side,
which was the more easily managed that he had
dropped his book and pencil on the ground, and
one of his hands was left free. In his eagerness
to get these, however, he fell part of the way and
came down on his back. He quickly snatched up
his property, and getting himself upright, he
hastened to join the Bishops, who were waiting
in the road.

*^ I presume we are all gathered on the same
occasion," said the White Bishop, greeting him.

* Ohy frabjous day V I may well call it. A

\7lljy JIKAAJrjUVUa U/U/U i

H 15

170 THE BISHOPS.

credit alike to our heads and to our hearts. I
may say also to our heads and to our heels. Ah,
ha ! your majesty ! How say you ?"

The King muttered some kind of grumpy
reply. He evidently detected in the Bishop's
words a satirical allusion to his awkwardness at
the gate, and he glanced at Alice with a frown,
as though it were her fault.

"I have been honored with an invitation to
read a poem suitable to the Occasion," said the
White Bishop.

" See to it that it is suitable," replied the King.
"Of suitable lengthy that is."

" There are so many of suitable length that I
may find myself obliged to select a number of
them," said the White Bishop. " Nearly all of
them, in fact, are lengthy, your majesty."

"Suitable shortness, he means,^^ said the Red
Bishop, with a curious sort of chuckle.

" He seems to have much more sense than the
other one," Alice thought. "What a pity it is

THE BISHOPS. 171

he is the one who has lost his head ! But per-
haps it's having no head that has made the dif-
ference/'

" You should have the name of that Collection
of yours altered, so that it could not possibly be
made to mean that all those things may be read
on all Occasions," said the King.

"I said nearly all," corrected the Bishop.

" Or nearly all, either. See that you have the
name changed at once ; there's no time to be lost.
Just put * equitable for all Occasions ;' that will
cover the ground. Everybody went to sleep
the last tftne, and I don't .mean to have it so
again."

" I hardly think it could be done in time for
this Occasion, please your majesty," said the
Bishop, meekly, opening the book, and sadly
turning over the leaves. "The name is on top
of every page."

The King, however, had turned to his Memo-
randum-Book, as though he had dismissed the

172 THE BISHOPS.

matter, and presently discovering that he had
lost his pencil, he went back to find it.

They waited for him in silence; the White
Bishop seemed so crestfallen that Alice rather
sympathized with him.

" What would you do about it ?" he said, ad-
dressing his Red brother, as soon as the King was
out of hearing.

" Do ? Nothing at all," he replied.

"But I've been urged to read a Selection."

" Read something quite short," Alice ventured
to suggest, "and the King will forget about the
alteration, perhaps."

^'Very short," added the Red Bishop.

This idea did not seem pleasing to the White
Bishop, but the King had found his pencil and
had now rejoined them.

" What is it you have in your book ?" the King
asked of the Red Bishop.

" Jokes," he answered, promptly.

The White Bishop touched his mitre and

THE BISHOPS. 173

nodded as hard as he could to remind them that
the other had no head ; and then pointing to the
book of jokes, he tried to tell them something
about it by making letters with his fingers. But
nobody understood.

"I hope all that means that we are to have
some of his jokes," said the King. "Let it be
so, by all means."

The White Bishop did not reply, but he looked
very much disconcerted ; he said, however, after
a pause, with as much cheerfulness as he could
muster, "What are we to expect from your
majesty ?"

"Oh, the usual extemporaneous remarks from
my Memorandum-Book here," replied the King,
carelessly tapping the cover with his pencil ;
"also the reciting of a poem composed expressly
for me by the Ace of Spades, — the little Court
Poet, you know. Everything in the world is
going to pieces, he says, except himself."

"Poetry is," said the Red Bishop.

16*

174 THE BISHOPS.

"Yes," acceded the King, "that's true; you
can't get first-rate poetry any more. Look at
this, now! I've rehearsed it and rehearsed it,
but it doesnH grow upon me as he said it would.
I'll rehearse it again if you don't object."

Nobody objected, and the King began :

" / dashed with royal purple foot
The wet and salty sea;
And the other on the land I putj

And cried J ^ I will be free P
From blustering cliffs of adamant
The echoes answered^ ^ No, you sharCt P

^Whd^s THAT, thafs contradicting me?'
/ answered bach with haughty sniff;

I glared across the roaring sea^
And roared till I was stiff I

I screamed an hour and a half —

The echoes only gave a laughs

The whole party had stopped while the King
was reciting these lines. He stood waving his

THE BISHOPS. 175

sceptre in the air, and when he came to the end
he stamped his foot on the ground and frowned
at his audience; then, looking at Alice, he re-
peated the last two lines over again.

"What are you going to do about it?^' she
asked.

" Do about wJiat f^ he demanded, fiercely.

" Why, you couldn't let the echoes go on like
that, could you?"

" Yes, I couldy^ he said ; " I could just as well
as not. I'll let 'em go on as much as they like,
so they keep to themselves. I don't want any
echoes round here, mind you !"

" Did you ever see an echo ?" she asked.

" See one ? If you ever saw one, you'd never
want to see another !" And he kept on scowling
and muttering to himself, and now and then stamp-
ing his foot in rage, and waving his sceptre about.

It did not seem very surprising, somehow, that
suddenly the White Queen should be standing at
his side, patting him as hard as she could on the

176 THE BISHOPS.

shoulder. "Don't, now, get your back up like
this," she said. " You'll get into one of your
tantrums directly."

" When did / ever have a tantrum, I'd like to
know?" said the King.

" Why, that day in the woods when you thought
a Snark was coming after you!"

"Oh, that time!" replied the King. "Non-
sense ! that wasn't a tantrum ; and, besides, an
echo is a hind of a Snark."

"It's that dreadful poetry that goes to his
head," the White Queen whispered to Alice.

" Oh, if it's only the poetry," said Alice, laugh-
ing, "couldn't you have that altered? Or, per-
haps, you could have something more put to it, —
something about ^ The Awful Thing it is to conr
tradict a King /"

" Yes," said the King ; " that would make me
feel better, I think."

" We can have that done at once, then," said
the Queen, hopefully, "for here comes the poet

THE BISHOPS. 177

this very minute. You^ll tell him all about it,
won't you?" she said, turning to Alice.

Here a droll little fellow came up, with scrolls
of paper under each arm, and bowed so low before
the King and Bishops that he almost tumbled
over. His appearance did not accord with her
idea of a poet, and he seemed so lofty and con-
ceited that Alice gave up all thoughts of getting
him to alter the King's poem to suit his majesty's
excitable nature. None of the party seemed to
be much pleased to see the poet ; they returned
his salutation very stiffly ; but whether he failed
to notice this, or was so full of himself that he
did not care, it was impossible to say. He nimbly
selected one of his many papers, and said, while
he was unrolling it, —

" Pray all of you listen ! This is the last and
finest of all my odes. I will read it you. You
will like that."

He began at once, and read so fast that Alice
could hardly understand him.

178 THE BISHOPS.

"F^ see not Poets every day;

Alas! alas I
So look upon me while ye may^
Before I pa^sl

Sometimes a ramptious lAon I am.
That QjCts uproarious as he goes;

Sometimes Fm Mary^s little Lamh^
That creeps around on gentle toes.

That can do nothing else hut weep^
Because its sorrows are so deep;
That makes its feelings into doleful rhyme^
Counting upon its fingers all the time /"

" Now this is not nearly all of it," he said, when
he paused for a moment to get his breath ; " but,
before I go on, I will just commence another, and
read them by turns, to save time. It will, as
Shakespeare says, * kill two birds with the same
stone,' will it not? You will like that."

So he turned to another paper which he had
been all this time looking for, and began:

THE BISHOPS.

"Ah me! the world is black as ink! "

"We shall be very late, my dear," said the
White King, in a loud whisper; "hadn't we
better "

" Yes, I think we had," the Red Bishop inter-
rupted. And in the twinkling of an eye they

were all off at a pace so rapid, that Alice almost
immediately found herself left alone with the

180 THE BISHOPS.

Poet, who was holding her by the sleeve. He
had not taken the least notice of her before, but
now he said, " Pray donH go, — don't go just yet;
it's so hard for me to get anybody to listen to
my poetry, and it's really very great poetry, you
know. Sit down here, will you not ? and whilst
I am reading you this one, you can be reading
this other to yourself. You will like that."

Alice would very much rather have followed
the others, and she was quite annoyed to find
herself sitting by the roadside with the Poet,
obliged to look at a paper he had given her. It
was a manuscript very badly written in lead-
pencil, full of lines crossed out, and words in-
serted, and rows of little dots everywhere; but
she had not even tried to decipher it before an-
other one, and still others, were thrust into her
hands ; and then he began to throw them at her,
a few at a time at first, and then by hundreds and
hundreds. She tried to get up and go away, but
in some mysterious way she seemed to be fixed in

THE BI8HOP8.

her place, and could not move a finger. " I shall
soon be buried at this rate," she thought, as they
kept on coming. "And he is only an Ace of
Spades, after all I"

" Wait till / get there, miss," called a hoarse
voice behind them. The Poet made his escape

182 THE BISHOPS.

as soon as he saw that it was the Gryphon climb-
ing over the wall.

"Whafs all this?^' the Gryphon said, coming
up, and scratching away at the piles of manuscript
with his strong claws.

" It's poetry, I believe,*' said Alice, smiling.

A party of workmen, who were going by,
stopped to look.

"Thim Aces do be always at their thricks,"
said one of them, taking the pipe out of his
mouth.

"Here, fellows, hadn't you better be gettin'
some of this here stuff out of the way?'* the
Gryphon asked them.

" Not widout orders, sorr."

"'Ear him I Wot's 'e a-hasking hus forf

" 'Tain't none o' our business, mister !"

" Hoots, mon ! do the wark yersel' !"

And with these expressions of opinion the
workmen passed on. . Alice did not care what
became of the poetry ; she was very glad to find

THE BISHOPS.

herself walking along on the road again with the
Gryphon for a compaoion.

s^-'-^^^-^3-

" It's lucky enough I come along just then,"
said the Gryphon. " Them literary fellows hates
me. 'Twould have took you years and years to
read all that, and not a word o' sense in it,
neither; for you don't like poetry, now, do
your

184 THE BISHOPS.

" Oh, I don't know," Alice hesitated. " I like
some kinds of poetry very much."

" Well, when it comes to speaking a piece now
and again, perhaps, or singin' a bit of a song, or
that, I don't say ; but those poets has too much
poetry. Me and the Mock Turtle used to know
some pieces once. Have you seen that old fellow
yet? They do say as he's a-losing his head."

" No, I haven't seen him yet at all," said Alice.
" He used to have a very curious kind of a head
in the picture, — for a turtle, that is."

^^ Picture r said the Gryphon, "what pict-
ure?"

" There's a picture of both of you in a book
that I have at home," said Alice.

" Never hear tell of any such a thing," he said.

Alice tried to think how she should begin to
describe the book to him, but she found it would
not be a very easy thing to do ; so she was quite
relieved to see presently that he had forgotten all
about it. He went on talking about the Mock

THE BISHOPS. 185

Turtle. "He's always been a-complainin' about
his head ever since I know him/' he said.

"That's what made him so sorrowful, wasn't
it?" asked Alice.

"Yes, that's it; he never had no sorrow, you
know," answered the Gryphon. " You'll be sure
to see him at the Kindergarten show, — the Occd-
sion, you know. That's where you're a-goin' to,
I take it."

" Why, I believe I am," said Alice, quite glad
to know just where she was going. " Of course,
you are going, too?"

" Me ?" said the Gryphon. " No, no / I don't
go in any such crowd as that ; not if I know it.
I'm a plain man, I am. A good pipe and a mug
of beer, and my own chimney-corner, — that's
where you'll find me o' nights, miss. But I must
be off, for here comes your fine Bishop again.
Him and me's no great friends; leastways the
White chap isn't. The Red Bishops is pretty
good fellows."

16*

186 THE BISHOPS.

The Gryphon went off with clumsy strides, but
he did not go very far ; he remained in a listen-
ing attitude within hearing of the Bishop's voice
as he came up to Alice. " Muddle-headed, shift-
less fellow !" said the Bishop, shaking his head at
the Gryphon ; " to think of all I've done ! — ^the
admonition ! the praise ! the little moral pictures 1
and even at one time as much as threepence
laid out in lozenges! And there he is, after
all !"

Here the Gryphon scratched his beak with one
claw and made an odd sort of grimace. The
Bishop went on shaking his head at him so long
that Alice was afraid it had come loose, and that
he could not stop. To distract his attention from
the Gryphon, she said, " I thought you had gone
off with the King and Queen."

" No, my child, not so. I went but a portion
of their way only," he said ; " their rapid strides
but ill suited my sober step. So your loss is their
gain, hey, my young friend? What is it our

f fy

THE BISHOPS. 187

classic friends say ? — ^ Gallia est omnis divisa in
partes tresJ

**Are we going to the great Occasion nowf^
interrupted Alice, who did not take the Bishop's
wisdom very seriously, and was not even listening
to him just then.

" That, I trust, is our destination," he replied.
" May I further inquire what is to be your addi-
tion to the general stock of literature displayed ?"

Alice was a little surprised to hear that any-
thing would be expected of her, but she said,
"I believe I know some poetry, if that would
do."

" Very good, very proper, very sweet, if it is a
selection suitable to the occasion," answered he.

"One of the things I know," she said, "is
called ^ They are SevenJ^ "

" Very suitable, indeed !" answered the Bishop.
" An old favorite of mine, in fact. Let me hear
what you make of it."

So Alice began at once, as follows:

188 THE BISHOPS.

" THEY ARE SEVEN.

A simple fisherman I metj
I asked to see his fish ;

Some luck he said that he did get^
But not what he could wish.

He had a wet and shiny aivy

In mackintoshes clad;
His price was fair^ and very fair, —

Its fairness made me glad.

* Of fishes there, alive or deady

How many may there be f

* How many f Seven in all^ he said.

And, wondering, looked at me.

^ And where are they, I pray you tell f
He answered, 'Seven they he;

Two of them are alive and well,
And two are in the sea.^

THE BIBHOFB.

' You say that two are in your pail.
And two are in the sea.

Yet there are seven f And yet you fail
To tell how that may be'

190 THE BISHOPS.

Then did that fisherman reply ^
^ Seven fish was what I said ;

Three you may see with your own eye ;
A string is through their head J

* You get mixed up in thisy my man;

If two are still alive^
And three are there^ I say^ how can
That make you more than five f

* But, sir J His you canH get it straight ;

And if His not amiss,
ril tell you, — if youHl only wait, —
As how it is like this:

There^s one got off, with bait and hook

{Best of my lot, he be).
One, while so be I didnH look.

Got back into the sea.

Thais two ; and these three here be five
That on this string are tied;

THE BISHOPS. 191

There^s two more in this pail ali/ve ;
Now are you saMsfiedf

I was noty and I told him so ;

But two of them I boitght.
He still had severiy for all I knoWy

For by his plan he oughtJ^

"Both correct and pleasing," said the Bishop.
" Each word in its place. And how soothing the
moral lesson conveyed ! What a privilege ! You
have indeed chosen well."

As to Alice, she was amazed at the ease with
which she seemed to glide through the verses
that she was quite certain she had got altogether
wrong, but she very soon forgot all about it.
There was a sound of footsteps behind them,
and, looking back, she said, "Here comes the
Hatter."

" True," said the Bishop. " He was a scholar
in our school formerly. I doubt not he is a gen-
tleman and a scholar yet. How do, sonny ?"

THE BIBHOPS.

The Hatter pointed to the holes in the knees
of his trousers, but he said nothing. There was
a bread-and-butter sandwich sticking out of the
breast-pocket of his coat. He did not look

much like either a gentleman or a scholar, Alice
thought.

" Let me introduce you to this nice young
latly," the Bishop said.

" Oh, I know him already," she said ; " that

THE BISHOPS. 193

is, I have seen him before. I know him by his
hat."

The Hatter looked much pleased, and, taking
off his hat, he bowed very low, and then repeated
his bow over and over again in the most absurd
manner.

" Why do you always keep that paper on your
hat ?'' Alice asked at last, by way of changing the
subject.

" Paper !" he cried. " What paper ?" And put-
ting up his hand, he felt all round the crown of
his hat until he came to the card stuck in the
band. Then he took the hat off, and looked at
it with critical attention.

" I didn't know that was there," he said, tear-
fully, looking up.

"How did it come to be there?" she
asked.

"It's a mistake," he said, — "a mistake from
beginning to end."

"I presume," said the Bishop, "that the hat

I n 17

194 THE BISHOPS.

was taken from your shop-window with the price
attached. I have seen such trophies/'

" Your honor/' replied the Hatter, sadly, " this
is our sample hat. It's better made than the ones
we sell. But look at it now. There's been tea
spilt on it, and crumbs sticking all over it. It
won't do for a sample any more. I knew I had
a nice hat on, but I didn't know it was this one."

He tried to blow the crumbs off; then, after
smoothing the crown with his coat-sleeve, he took
the card from the side of it and put it in behind.
Then he carefully set the hat on his head again,
and asked, "Does it show very badly now?"

"You can't see it at all from where I stand
now," Alice answered, smiling; "but why don't
you take it out altogether and put it in one of
your new hats?"

" I can't," said the Hatter. " It belongs to this
hat, I tell you. The other hats are not like
this ; this is a sample. But "

Here he gave a sudden screech, and, whisking

THE BISHOPS.

hie handkerchief about in the air, he shouted,
"A bumbly-bee! A bumbly-bee !"

"That," said the Bishop, looking critically at
the intruder, " I deem to be simply a hornet.
It comes from the Latin homu, a horn."

"He don't care
where it comes from,"
said Alice, in strong
sympathy with the
Hatter. " He wants
to know where it's
going to."

"Ah, that is more
than I can inform
him," said the Bishop,
smiling placidly.

The hornet — which
looked, however, ex- *= ^T /

actly like a huge bee-
tle — continued to circle in a threatening manner
around the head of the Hatter, who at last could

196 THE BISHOPS.

stand it no longer. He rushed off as fast as he
could go, the " hornet" after him, rather to Alice's
relief; and while she was watching him, the
Bishop, too, had taken himself away, and she
found herself quite alone again.

CHAPTEE VIIL

THE KINDERGARTEN.

Very soon the road made a sharp turn, and
just round the corner Alice found herself ap-
proaching a wide gate-way in a wall, with the
name M3THAOH3aMI>l JAYOJl over the top of
it in large looking-glass letters.

This promised to be very interesting indeed.
She had never been herself to a Kindergarten,
and had always imagined that it must be like
going to a party every day. Her mother so
earnestly believed that love of home was the
first, and throughout the most important, factor
in the right development of little children, that
she could not approve of Kindergartens, except-
ing as an expedient with careless, or incom-
petent, or busy mothers, whose children would
otherwise be left chiefly to objectionable society.

17* 197

THE KINDEKGAKTEN.

The two Queens were standing near the gate
talking to each other in whispers. They both

had a sandwich in each hand, out of which they
took bites ahernately. Alice went up to them,
and was about to ask respectfully whether she
might go in, when the White Queen said, in a

THE KINDERGARTEN. 199

voice rather muffled by sandwich, "This is one
of our visitors' days; there's one every day.
You have to pay."

"I haven't any money," said Alice.

" Well, then you'll have to take it out in sand-
wiches. Sixpence down or six sandwiches," said
the White Queen.

"You must eat them all," added the Red
Queen.

Alice saw that there was a large basket fiill of
them. " Oh, I couldnH eat more than two^^ she
said.

" Yes, you can, if you do it by arithmetic," the
White Queen insisted. " Eat them two at a time,
like this. Look at me." And she took a large
bite first out of her right and then out of
her left hand sandwich. "You'll see that two
counts for one, and three ones are three, and any-
body can eat three if they try. It's only three
ones."

The Red Queen had meanwhile been stuffing

200 THE KINDEROABTEN.

Bandwiches into a paper bag, and, giving it a little
expert twist, she thrust it into Alice's hands.

"I needn't eat any of them at all," thought
AHce, " if I don't want to." And, indeed, in

a minute after she entirely forgot what she had
done with them. The Queens took no further
notice of her, and she walked past them and
entered the open gate.

THE KINDERGARTEN. .201

Some kind of game seemed to be going on in
a large yard. There were pawns of diflferejit sizes
and colors — ^red, black, white, and yellow — run-
ning about, and jumping, and pushing each other
down, and getting up again. Skipping in among
them were all sorts of animals, — curious creatures,
— ^that did not look like any living things she
knew about, excepting that the one which jumped
over her head certainly seemed like a kangaroo.
Nobody took any notice of Alice, but the fun of
the game, if fun it was, went on in a way that •
she did not find very pleasant. She made her
way, not without some diflBculty, into a quieter
corner of the yard, where she found a rustic bench
to sit upon. There was an old owl perched behind
it sitting on a high stand. He looked very much
as if he were a stuffed owl, but he was certainly
alive, for he opened and shut his eyes several
times to look at Alice.

In a few minutes the White King came along
and took a seat by her side.

THE KINDEEGARTEN.

" This is something worth while, now !" he said,
looking at the game, that seemed to grow wilder
and wilder. " This is fine !"

" What are they doing ?" asked Alice.

" That's the Natural History Class performing,
I believe," answered the King.

" Zoology, beg pardon !" said a stiff brown
figure standing near them. He looked as if he
were made of a round piece of wood like one of
the men in a Noah's Ark. His stiff arms, that
he evidently could not move, looked as if they

THE KINDERGARTEN. 203

had been fastened on afterwards. When he went
away he rolled himself round like a sort of self-
moving barrel. Alice saw that there was another
one exactly like him, excepting that tliis other
had a red coat, and that he had lost one of his
arms.

" Mr. Sham and Mr. Hem, I helieve^^ said the
King. " Very able professors, both. And so is
Mr. Jappet, but I don't see him."

"What do they teach?" asked Alice.

"How should I know?" said the King.
"Whatever there ^s to teach, I suppose."

He seemed for some reason to be a trifle dis-
pleased, and, opening a book he had, turned over
the pages in silence for some minutes, making odd
grimaces to himself. " You might care to look
over this," he said, at last, to Alice.

"Thank you," she replied. "It isn't your
Memorandum-Book, then? I thought it was."

" I should think Twt^ indeed !" he answered,
loftily. "I found this book on the end of the

204 THE KINDERGARTEN.

bench here when I sat down. I fancy it's his."
And he turned his head with a nod towards the
owl.

Then he laid the book on the bench and strolled
away. Alice thought it was rather odd she had
not noticed any book when she sat down. There
was nothing at all promising in the appearance of
it nor in its title, which was " College ExamiifWr
tions.^' At home she would not have opened it,
but she knew that a book which belonged to an
owl in Wonderland must have something worth
while in it. She opened at the preface, which
was in very large print, and had the long words
in it divided by hyphens, as in the "Second
Reader." It was addressed to " Col-lege Fac-ul-
ties who ren-der knowUedge un-at-tain-able by the
mass-esy^ chiefly it appeared because of their
neglect to furnish answers to the ^^ vex-Or-ti/ms
and spiic-ful ques-tions^^ contained in examination
papers. The autlior stated his belief that many
of the professors were not themselves aware of

THE KINDERGARTEN. 205

the proper answers, and in this case his present
work would be a ^^boon alike to teachers and
taught y The first chapter in the book was ^^Test
Questions on Physics ^^^ of which Alice read a page
or two:

" i. What was formerly the theory concerning
Physics f

Physics was formerly supposed to be a name for
medicines. When it was gradually observed that
Physics did not cure the sick, scientific men made
investigations with a view to discover their true
nature and use.

2. Did they succeed?

They did. It was discovered to be useful stuff
for school-books.

S. What are the chief properties of Physics ?

Dryness and hardness.

i. What is matter?

Matter is a variable quality depending for its
existence on circumstances.

18

VD

ik*ft ii»ii%wM— ' 1

206 THE KINDERGARTEN.

5. Explain this, with diagram.

Take the case of A and B. If A should fall
heavily from the platform (7, landing suddenly
^ < on the ground at jO, it

would be NO matter to B.
lAkewise, if B should fall
heavily the same distance,
it would be no matter to
A; though it would be
equally matter to A and
B respectively.

6. What is 7nom£ntum?

The force with which anything strikes you at
the moment.

7. To what is momentum always equal?
It is always equal to the occasion.

8. Give an instance.

If a ball propelled at a given moment should
strike the head of a professor of Physics, the re-
sult would be more momentous — i.e., have greater
momentum — than if a similar ball at that moment

-D

THE KINDERGARTEN.

should strike the head of a very bad small boy.
The momentum in each instance would be equal
to the occasion, plus the square of the difference
in importance.

9. What is a lever f
A ^ecies of stick.

10. How was it dis-
covered?

Jkvo workmen were
once endeavoring to lift
a heavy boat. Not being
able to do it, one of them
cried, ' Let us leave her !'
' Leoer ! the very thing,^ said the other. And he
took up what was formerly supposed to be only a
crowbar, and moved the boat vnth surprising ease.

11. What is a porous substance?

One that you can pour water through ; such as
sieves, colanders, strainers, etc.

IS. Are tea-pots, pitchers, and jugs porous f
Only partially so."

208 THE KINDERGARTEN.

Alice, although she did not know anything
about Physics, could quite appreciate the absurdity
of the owl's book. There were several pages more
about Physics, followed by an examination in
Chemistry. But just then she heard the loud
ringing of a bell, so she immediately shut the
book and put it on the bench, looking round at
the owl, who still sat blinking on his perch with-
out appearing to take the slightest notice of any-
thing.

The bell produced a great commotion in the
playground. All the pawns crowded off together,
leaving the animals to themselves, — every one
standing still on the spot where it chanced to be
when the bell rang. There was plenty of room
in the yard now, so she left her seat and began to
walk about among the animals, gathering courage
as she found that they all remained perfectly mo-
tionless. "They are nothing but great Noah's
Ark animals," she said to herself at last, after
regarding them attentively. "That is, I think

THE KINDERGARTEN. 209

SO," she added, doubtfully ; for although the near-
est ones kept their lifeless wooden attitudes, some
of those that were a little farther off went on
shaking their heads or wagging their tails very
slightly, — ^these always becoming perfectly still,
however, as soon as she fixed her eyes upon
them.

18*

CHAPTER IX.

THE MOCK TURTLE.

She made her way through the animals over
to the other side of the playground. Here there
was a long building, with its door wide open into
a room that was evidently the school-room. There
were rows of desks and seats, but to Alice's sur-
prise there were no scholars. She wondered what
had become of them, and she wandered about in
the school-room for some time, walking between
the monotonous rows of seats, and now and then
stopping to look at the pictures fastened on the
walls, that seemed as if they ought to be inter-
esting. They were very high up, however, and
so indistinct that she could not make out the
subjects of any of them.

There was a raised platform at one end of the
room, with the teacher's desk on it, and a great

210

THE MOCK TURTLE.

globe on one side, and sitting on the platform,
she saw as she came up to it, was the Mock
Turtle. He had been almost hidden by the desk,

and sat there, surrounded by books, with his at-
tention fixed upon the one that he held in his
hand. He looked up, however, when Alice
approached, and, laying aside his book, sighed

212 THE MOCK TURTLE.

deeply. "I'm trying for to get a good educa-
tion," he said.

Alice said she thought that he had once had
the best of educations.

" So I had ! so I had !" he answered. " But I
forgot that education. I didn't know it very well,
anyhow. I'm trying to learn another if I can, but
it's very hard work."

" Is that one of the children's school-books that
you have?" she asked.

"No, indeed! I should think notj^ he said,
indignantly. " Do you take me for a child ? It
says in the beginning that this book is ' Solely for
the Use of Teachers.'' "

Alice looked at it, and saw that " Teachers^
Key^^ was the name on the outside. " Oh, dear !"
she said, laughing ; " I shouldn't think you would
get much good out of that book."

" Why not ?" he asked, in a tearful voice ;
"why not?"

" Well, you're not a teacher, are you?" said Alice.

THE MOCK TURTLE. 213

"Of course Fm not," answered he; "but I
want to know what the teachers know. That's
what you go to school for, isn't it?"

There was no denying this exactly, though
Alice knew he was entirely on the wrong track.

"I thought if I just could find out what the
teachers know," he went on, " then I could learn
it all at once, and be done with it ; so that's why
IVe come here all by myself. I've got all their
books here."

" But I should think it would be hard to learn
anything out of a Key to an Arithmetic," remarked

Alice.

"■»

" I've not got very far yet," he replied^; " but it
don't seem hard at all. These are all answers^ you
know. You set down the answers, you see ; you
don't have to guess the sums."

Alice thought he was too absurd for anything,
so she did not say a word.

" The children's books," he continued, " are a
great deal harder. They have sums in 'em, and

214 THE MOCK TURTLE.

you've got to guess the answer. Nobody could do
that."

" Well, but the children do," said Alice ;
"that is, they don't guess the answer, but
they "

" Of course they don't. That's what I've just
saidj^ the Mock Turtle interrupted. "They go
home when they have to guess answers to
things."

Alice only smiled. There was no use in going
on with such a conversation as that. "And be-
sides," she thought to herself, "it don't matter
at all what kind of book he has." So she said, —

" Didn't you say that you were once a Real
Turtle?"

" Yes, I believe I used to be, a long time ago.
Some of my family are yet. I'm trying to get to
be one again."

" I wish you'd tell me what is the difference,"
she said.

"Some people say there is no difference," he

THE MOCK TURTLE. 215

said, in a low voice, bending over the Teachers^
Key to hide his emotion.

Alice was sorry to have hurt his feelings. He
looked about him to find something to wipe his
tears, and not finding anything else, he took up
a feather-duster that lay near him, and dusted
them away the best he could.

" Shouldn^t you call it a difference," he said, as
soon as he could speak, " to have an evening coat,
and a silk hat, and all the roast beef and plum-
pudding you want?"

" Is that what a Real Turtle has ?" she asked.

" I believe so. I never saw a Real Turtle. I
was abandoned by my parents on a desert island
when I wasn't old enough to ask them. That's
where I went to school, you know. It wasn't a
very good school."

" And then how did you get over here ?" asked
Alice.

" I came over here," he said, " in an emigrant
ship. I was an emigrant, I believe. We used

216 THE MOCK TUBTLE.

to dance on the deck, and sing the most beautiful
songs aU day."

" I suppose that was so long ago/* Alice said,
after a pause, " that you don't remember any of
the songs, do you?*'

" No, I don't hardly remember anything, — ^not
even the * Timsy Turtle Dove/ and that was the
best song I ever heard," said the Mock Turtle.
" All the verses began this way : * Trust me, timsy
turtle true/ and then they ended with * Turtle, turtle
timsy r Oh, you can't think how beautiftil it was !"

" Don't you think you could remember some of
it ?" Alice asked, for it sounded quite fascinating.

The Mock Turtle was beating with a pencil
upon his book, as if keeping time to some tune in
his head. '' I only remember this," he said, with
a sigh :

" ^ Trust me, timsy turtle true !
One for me and one for you ;
Flatter J flutter, fly and flew,
Turtle, turtle timsy V

THE MOCK TURTLE. 217

I wonder if a turtle dove is much like a tur-
tle," he went on to say. "Did you ever see
one r

Alice said that she never had, but that she
did not believe it was a bit like a turtle.

"It must be a little like one," he said, "or
else they wouldn't call it one, I should think.
But I think," he added, with sudden inspiration,
" that I know the * Slider and the Fly^ if you'd
like to hear that. It was a piece we learned in
our reading-book at school."

"I believe I know that myself," Alice said;
" or at least part of it. But won't you say it ?"
For she thought to herself, " He will be sure to
make it as funny as can be by getting it all wrong."

"Suppose you say the first verse; then I'll
say the next," the Mock Turtle proposed.

Alice reflected that, although the poem was
quite familiar to her, she really did not know it
well enough to recite, and she surprised herself
by getting through a verse very smoothly.

K 19

218 THE MOCK TURTLE.

" * Will you walk into my pantry f said the spider

to the pig.
* ' Tis the prettiest little pantry ^ but the pies are

fine and big.
The way to walk into them is to eat them (me

by one;
And I have many pretty things to eat tohen

they are done.^
* Ohy nOy no, no, said the little pig, * to terapt

me is in vain.
For if any one should blow me up I^d not come

down again: "

" Tliat sounds all right," said the Mock Turtle,
when Alice stopped ; " but I don't think it is,
quite."

" Oh, it isn't right a bit," she said, laughing.
" I don't see how I came to say it that way. But
it's your turn now."

" ^ Will you walk into that spider f said the parlor
to the fly;'

THE MOCK TURTLE. 219

he began; and then he stopped short, and said,
"Do you think that's right?"

"No, of course it isn't!" said Alice. "But
never mind; go on. It's sure to be good fun
«07/iehow."

" No," he objected, " I wonH go on if I'm not
sure. It isn't right to laugh at things just be-
cause they're wrong."

" But you wouldn't laugh if they were right,"
Alice said; "and so how could you laugh at
all ?"

" Well, I don't want to laugh," said the Mock
Turtle. " I used to have a book with all those
songs in it, and lots more. I can't think where
it has gone to; I must have lent it to the
Gryphon." He began to bite the end of his pen-
cil and look thoughtful. "Did you ever hear
a song," he went on, " about a story of a great
black bird that got into a house and wouldn't go
out again ? They couldn't make it go out."

Alice thought she could not recollect any such

THE MOCK TURTLE.

Story as that. " What sort of a bird was it ?" she
asked.

" I think it was a crow," he replied ; " but of
course I don't know whether it was or not, for I
never saw a real crow."

Alice tried to think how hie not having seen a
real crow could make any difference in his know-
ing whether it was a crow or
not in the song.

" Perhaps it was a black
hen," she suggested. " Crows
don t come into the house
ever you know, and hens do,
sometimes."

Then I dare say it was
a hen, though I never saw
a real hen, either," he said.
This was a great black bird
of some kind, anyhow, for
there was a picture of it. It got into a room,
and got up on top of a door, and would stay there.

THE MOCK TURTLE. 221

They couldn't do a thing with it. They opened
wide the shutter, but it made a dreadful flutter,
— and it kept on saying it would never, never,
never go out any more, no matter what they did.
It sat on people's heads all the time, and picked
with its beak, and scratched the violet velvet
cushions. Then it kept on rapping, rapping, and
tapping, tapping. It was horrid, you know. You
can't think how bad it was."

" Yes," said Alice, after thinking a little while ;
"I do remember hearing something like that read

THE MOCK TURTLE.

once. It was at a ' Reading where I went with
my mother a good while ago. It was about a
Raven. That's a kind of a crow, you know."

" But what is a ' Reading' f the Mock Turtle
asked.

"Oh, nothing much," replied Alice. "Some-
body just reads and reads, and the people all sit
round and wait till he is done."

THE MOCK TURTLE. 223

" Is, that what you call ^ nothing much^ f " he
exclaimed. "Why, of all things in the worlds
that's what I'd like. They had something like
that here once, but they didn't call it that. The
Poet had one. Only you had to pay two shil-
lings." Here the tears came to his eyes again,
as he added, sobbing, "And — and — and I only
had twopence. I believe nobody had two shil-
lings."

"Oh, I didn't care for it at all!" said Alice.
"The man who was reading made all the words
go just everyhoWj and you couldn't half tell what
it was about."

"But, then, you might have a chance to look
round and see if you could see a Real Turtle,"
he said.

"/ never saw one," said Alice, laughing.
" Not at a Reading nor anywhere else. What is
that book you have there now?"

The Mock Turtle had taken up another book,
and was turning over the leaves. "It's called

224 THE MOCK TURTLE.

* Songs of Sciencej " he said ; " but you wouldn't
understand it. It's intended to learn science
with."

"Nonsense!" said Alice. "I should think I
could understand anything you could,"

" Well, here's a * Chemistry songj for instance ;
and I don't suppose you even know what Chem-
istry is."

"Indeed, I do; I've done Chemistry myself,"
answered Alice, who had, in fact, helped her
brother in some of his private experiments in that
branch of science, and knew several very imposing
names.

**Well, then, this song tells all about Chem-
istry," said the Mock Turtle ; " it's called ' KiU
kenny Cats.'

" That's very curious," Alice thought. " I can't
see what any kind of cats has got to do with
Chemistry."

But the Mock Turtle had begun. " It's called
the * Quarrel,^ too," he said.

> 99

THE MOCK TURTLE.

" The Acid bottles and Alkalies,

When one of them spoke ahovi rats and mice,
The other oTie spoke of cats

' You're only a rat and I'm a cat,'
Said Alkah once m spite

'No, 710,' answered Add, "lis you're the rat;
And I'll show you that I'm right'

226 THE MOCK TURTLE.

Soon, there was a silence in the room;

They hvshed the Toatter up.
The Chemist he mopped it up with a hroon

And he left some in a cup^

" Well !" said Alice, frankly, " I certainly do
understand that What was it that was in a cuf

"I don't exactly know what it was mysel
confessed the Mock Turtle; "but the book sj
there is a moral to it, I think. There's an inde
perhaps I can find it."

He turned the leaves over, and began to Ic
in what he called the index, — some long colun
of fine print at the end. Alice looked over a
saw that it was only a list of geographical nan
that he had ; but he continued to turn page a£
page, running his pencil up and down the colum
and murmuring to himself, " Quarrel, mor
moral, quarrel."

"Oh, never mind!" Alice said, laughing;
dare say it's a riddle. How dark it is getting

THE MOCK TURTLE. 227

"So it is," said the Mock Turtle. And he
immediately began to collect the scattered books
and pile them up neatly under the teacher's desk.
The large empty school-room looked rather deso-
late.

"What became of all the scholars?" Alice
asked.

" Oh, they went home when the bell rang," he
replied ; " it was study hour, you know."

" Study hour !" cried Alice. " And didn't they
have to stay?"

"No; of course not. I'm the only one that
ever comes in study hour, and I wouldn't come
myself except I'm in hopes of getting to be a
Real Turtle."

Just then Alice perceived in the failing light
that there were some shelves behind the teacher's
desk filled with all sorts of odd-looking things.
She could not make out what they were; they
looked something like the Indian curiosities in
her uncle's cabinet.

THE MOCK TURTLE.

" Those are ol^ects, you know," said the Mock
Turtle.

'* Of^ecis /" repeated Alice.

" Yes, for object-lessons. Don't you know what
object-lessons are?"

Alice had heard of them, and had, indeed,
taken many such lessons herself, without knowing
them under any particular name. She could leam
nothing from these objects, however.

The Mock Turtle, having put all the books in
order, crossed the room without another word,
and, going out the door, he shut and locked it
after him. It appeared to be the only door in
the room, and Alice felt provoked when she

v

THE MOCK TURTLE. 229

went over and found that it was really and
truly locked, and that she could not get out.

Going back to the platform, she took a seat
at the teacher's desk, and began to look over
the books and papers, feeling all the time that
she was meddling with what did not belong to
her. Strangely enough, she forgot all about the
darkness that had seemed to be coming on. She
could see perfectly well now, even the titles of
the books in a row before her. There was a
copy of the "College Examinations," among
others; there were an Arithmetic and a Spell-
ing-Book, which must have been much more
amusing books than their names seemed to in-
dicate. No doubt Alice would have had a great
deal of fiin had she opened them, as she was just
on the point of doing, when a title in the Jabber-
wocky language caught her eyes. " I wonder if
that isn't the very same book that had * Jabber-
wocky' itself in it," she thought. And sure
enough, it turned out to be the very book that

20

230 THE MOCK TURTLE.

the "real Alice" had seen on the table m th<
Looking-Glass drawing-room.

There was a piece of lookmg-glass, cut just th
same size as the book, slipped into a little cas
made for it inside the cover. Nothing could b
more delightful.

First she found the poem of the Johberwochy
and had the fun of reading it in the original
which, as she knew it by heart, she could hav
done even without the glass. Then she turner
over the leaves slowly. The pieces in it wer
not all poetry ; there was a great deal of prose
which she found it difficult to read, even wit]
the glass, there were so many strange and un
meaning words in it. Farther on, however, wa
another poem, which looked easier. ^^ Bander
snatchy^^ was its fascinating name :

" / knew the chirpling fellow well
Who slew the Jabberwock ;
That story he would sit and tell
Till after ten o^ clock.

THE MOCK TURTLE. 231

His father y too ! he made us tired

About his beamish boy ;
And oftener than could be desired

He chortled in his joy.

So I made up m/y mind one day

To go and be his match;
I set out for the woods to slay

The frumious Bandersnatch.

A vorpal sword like his I got.

And a winxy pistol toOy
Because you nefver can tell what

A Bandersnatch might do.

It was not tulgy like that day, —

^Twas twigsy in the wood;
I heard a brimbling far away

That sounded as it should.

I said at once^ * That must be it ;
rd like a glimpse to catchy —

THE MOCK TUETLE.

/ ought to know before I hit
Jf 'tis a Bandersnatch'

THE MOCK TURTLE. 233

A queer thing whizzled overhead;
I thought Hwas up a tree.

* Are you the Bandersnatch T I said.

It answeredy ^ That I be P

I found it was not up a tree, —
Its legs were awfully high.

* DonH shooty and III eome d(ywn^ said he^

And falsely turned to fly.

Its tail I chanced to grapple^ hut

That tailj how fast it flew !
^TwOrS leagues before my sword had cut

The biggest half in two.

I knew the tail would do as welly

Nayy better than the head.
And what a tale it was to tell I

^ In at the death P they said.

* The Bandersnatch is dead P they shout.

The gumptious deed was su^h.

20*

THE MOCK TURTLE.

ATid since, we have riot heard about
Tlie JahherwQck so much."

It took Alice a long time to read this;
read it over twice with great delight, and the
carefully sliding the glass back into its ease, a
put the book in its place. "That glass is ju
like a sort of dictionary," she said to hersel
and she wished that her French reading-bo<
would translate in the same way.

THE MOCJK TURTLE. 235

In getting at the books she had disarranged a
pile of papers, with writing upon them. She
saw that they were compositions written by the
scholars; they had names on the outside, and
one of them was signed " Mock Turtle." Alice
could not help looking at this. It was about the
Camel.

" To write anything about a Camely^ he wrote,
"t8 very hardy because he has such a great long
crooked neck. And he also has two humps on
him, except when he has only one; and they are
.to hold on by, when you fall off. He has ns
stommickj but only a pail of water inside of hirriy
put so he can help himself easy. They fill it at
the pump before he starts. His hair is bright red
and blue and green; for CameM hair shawls have
to be made of it. A camel is very much like a
monkey y only he is made different. There is no
more about the camels

Alice laughed, and laying the paper back with
the others, she began to put them all in order

236 THE MOCK TURTLE.

again. Then she perceived that among tl
was one in print, with a great deal of large t
in it, and having the word Programme on 1
As her eye went rapidly down the page,
became more and more interested. She skip
the finer print of details, and read only s
words as these:

GREAT OCCASION I

KINDERGARTEN CELzEBRATIONI

EXERCISES AHD RECITALS.

SPEECHES.

PRESENCE OF ROYALTY.

BISHOPS.

/\USIC, POETRY, DRAAA.

BANQUKT.

"This must mean the Occasion I've hearc
much about," she said to herself. "Oh, I n
der where it is ! Perhaps it is going on so

THE MOCK TURTLE. 237

where this very minute. If I only could get
out of this room!"

She stood up on the platform and looked very
searchingly along the walls to see if there was
any other way of getting out, any window out
of which she might perhaps climb, when she
spied the outline of something that looked like
a small door at the farthest corner of the room, —
a door exactly the color of the wall. Whether
it had been there all the time or not, she did not
stop to think.

CHAPTER X.

THE GREAT OCCASIOIT.

It was really a door. Ab Alice approacl
she could hear music and voices, and could

a light gleaming through the key-hole. Full
curiosity, she knocked eagerly on the door n

THE GBEAT OCCASION. 239

her knuckles, and it flew open at once. The fish
footman bowed to the ground, and she entered
a large room that was lit up with rows of candles.
Three droll-looking old fellows were standing in
a conspicuous sort of balcony tuning up their
fiddles, and a placard that hung on the balcony
announced that they were ^^ Loaned for the Occasion
by King CoUP

That it was truly a great occasion everything
seemed to denote. Alice was just in time for it.
There was a large door at the other end of the
room wide open, and all the Wonderland people
she knew, as well as some that she did not, were
coming in and seating themselves. Upon the
platform Kings and Bishops were taking their
places, and the Court Poet was standing in a
conspicuous attitude of melancholy grace.

There was a space left on the platform where
the performances were to come off*. The fiddlers
were now fiddling with all their might, and every-
body was talking at the top of their voices.

THE GREAT OCCASION.

Alice found slie was sitting nest to the Wh:
Queen on the one side and the Hatter on t

other. Instead of his <5ample hat he had pul
a Turkish fez in honor of the event. It did

THE GREAT OCCASION. 241

have a price label upon it, but some white threads
were to be seen on a small unfaded square of the
cloth, which made it look as if one had been
recently taken oflF. He lifted his cap by the
tassel and made a polite bow when he recognized
Alice. On the bench behind her was the Mock
Turtle, and next to him was the Gryphon, whom
Alice was surprised to see, as he had so expressly
said that he would not be there. He explained to
Alice, when she turned round, that the Mock
Turtle wouldn't come without him, and that he
" hated to disappoint the old chap. The Bishop
was more fiin than a circus, too," he said. Every-
body had a programme. Alice found she had
brought the one she had in the school-room, but
the curious part of it was that, on being compared,
none of them were alike, and there was much
discussion as to what really was going to happen.

The Duchess leaned over with a sort of society
smile on her face, and told Alice how sweet she
was looking to-night, and then, giving a little

Is q 21

242 THE OBEAT OCCASION.

nudge and wink to the Red Queen, who sat m
to her, she whispered something behind her £
evidently about Alice, for they both laughed a
looked at her. " But I don't care a bit what tl
say," she thought. She looked round at '

Hatter, who was dozing, with his fez tilted o
almost to the end of his nose.

Presently a bell was rung sharply, and
music stopped. The White Bishop came forw
and rapped on the floor with an umbrella. 1

THE GBEAT OCCASION. 243

proceeding did not have any effect upon the
hilarious assembly, that appeared to have met
there chiefly for its own amusement. The Bishop
pounded as hard as he could several times without
result, and the Gryphon, leaning over to speak to
Alice, facetiously remarked that "he ought to
have brought a gun along."

Finally the King of Clubs arose in wrath and
banged his sceptre on the back of the seat before
him. " If this is a proivate amusement club," he
said, "and it looks vary much like it, then the
numbers of it had betther have staid at home
before they came."

Alice had never noticed before how much the
club spot upon cards is like a shamrock. The
King looked very fierce, however, and his address
had the effect of producing something like silence,
though there was still some rustling and whisper-
ing going on.

"Ahem!" said the Bishop, coming forward,
with a smile, and consulting some papers he had

244 THE GBEAT OCCASION.

in his hand. "The first thing noticed in the
programme of this pleasant and, I trust, profitable
occasion is, I see, to be a toast. Where is the
toast?"

" Please, sir,'* began a very small pawn.

" Silence !" said the Bishop, sternly.

The pawn, who had been standing rather un-
steadily on a broken base, fell down flat on Im
face.

"Silence I I repeat! Where is the toast? ]
said. Fetch it hither."

" Tain't toasted yet !" called out a person
age who was peeping through the crack of i
door.

"The toast is the last thing," said the Re<
Bishop. " It comes after the banquet. YouV
got the papers wrong side about."

" Ha ! So I perceive that I have," said th
White Bishop, in no wise embarrassed ; " an
upside down as well. I should have learned sue
simple facts myself shortly, however, by bein

THE GREAT OCCASION. 245

made aware of the untimely end of these pro-
ceedings."

" Well, then/^ he began again, " the first thing
that I note in the programme of this pleasant and,
I trust, profitable occasion is a speech by the Red
Bishop. That dignitary will now address the
assembly, — but briefly, please, briefly." ,

The Red Bishop at once came forward and
spoke very rapidly. " Myfriendsihavenothingto-
sayandnowordstosayitin." He then retreated,
amidst a storm of applause from the audience.

" Well, we're getting along ; we're getting on —
slowly," resumed the White Bishop, looking at
his watch, and then putting it to his ear. " Now,
what have we next ? Next is mentioned . that
there is to be laughter^ but the person to whom
this part is assigned is not specified." He paused,
and after running his eye down the paper, said,
" I see there is * Laughter^ referred to in several
places, and also the words ^ Hear ! Hear P fre-
quently occur. I presume that they are stage

21*

246 THE GREAT OCCASION.

directions, and need not engage our intention.

The next item of interest is a drill exercise of

the youngest class by their excellent teacher."

A crowd of little pawns, — red, white, and black,

— led by a teacher, now came in and took their

places on thei platform. They formed into line,

and began to hop up and down, keeping step and

time to a song they sang with sharp, thin, little

voices. It was only one verse over and over

again :

" We hop, hop, hop.

Then we stop, stop, stop,

Then we flop.^^

The singing of each line was accompanied bj
the appropriate action. They hopped, thej
stopped, and then they all flopped, by falling
face downward on the floor, immediately spring-
ing up again to do it all over and over. Ther
at some signal from the teacher they all left the
platform, the Bishop saying, as they went, " Wei
done, my little friends !"

THE GBEAT OCCASION, 247

"And thus," he continued, "are they taught
what it is to hop^ and to stop, and to flop^ the same
theory being applied to other branches of life.
By this plan, at once instructive and amusing,
they learn things without knowing them, which
is the aim of all true education. I yield now to
the gentle sway of Miss Heart, another excellent
teacher."

This teacher stepped briskly upon the platform
with the stiff, jerky air of a mechanical doll ; she
was followed by a dejected-looking White Pawn.

" That teacher is the Ace of Hearts, I believe,"
thought Alice, looking at the proceedings with
great interest.

" I have been requested " said the teacher,

in a low whisper.

"Louder! Louder!" shouted several voices.

" I have been requested," she began again, this
time in a high, squeaky voice, "to exhibit an
object-lesson in its inception, growth, and finish.
I am directed to be as brief as possible."

248

THE OBEAT OCCASION.

Two larger pawns now came in with a smal
table, which they placed before her, and then tool
their departure. The White Pawn stood oppoeit
to her, with his back to the company.

" Wbat is this, Jemmy ?" she said, placing
small object on the tabh
" Quick now I"

" That's a nammon," sai
Jemmy, though it really wa
an aflnond.

"Right!" said the teache:
" Now, where does it com
from?"

" Outer a paper bag," sai
Jemmy, after a minute or two of deep refle»
tion.

" Observe," said Miss Heart, addressing tl:
audience, "the rapid awakening of though
And how was it made, Jemmy ?"

" I s'pect it growed !" said Jeramy, after anotht
pause. He was visibly waking up now, and sh

THE GREAT OCCASION. 249

looked towards the audience with a nod, in order
to call attention to the fact.

" Now," she said, placing another thing on the
table, " you don't know what this is. It's not an
ammon. It's an ammonife. Where does it come
from ?"

"Outer a pape " began Jemmy.

" Think again," interrupted Miss Heart. " It's
an Object J Jemmy. Where does it come from ?"

" Offer the shelf where the Objic's is," answered
Jemmy, with a look of triumph.

" Right. And how was it made ?"

" I s'pect it didnH grow, — not this time !" said
Jemmy, whose mind seemed to be as wide awake
now as could be desired. He had seized on the
"ammon," but Miss Heart took it away from
him.

"What's the difference between 'em?" she
asked, laying it beside the Object.

" That one's bigger'n the other," he said, point-
ing to the ammonite.

250 THE GREAT OCCASION.

" Well, then, Jemmy," said the teacher, " no¥
I hope you know all about an ammonite. So we'I
put it back with the Objects, now. But you maj
have the ammon. What will you do with it?"

" Scraunch it open and eat it," replied Jemmy
promptly.

The two pawns came and took away the table
the lesson was now over. As they left the platforr
Jemmy, who was already munching the almond, wa
heard to ask, " Say, could yer eat that ammonite ?

The Bishop was instantly in his place agair
He had just been having a drink of water, o
something, and was wiping his mouth. "Yo
have now, my friends," he began, " seen educatio
at its fountain-head. We have beheld the ham
less wisdom of the serpent joined to the wings o
the dove. More ! We have seen Science hersel
in the form of a simple ammonite, making
lodging-place in the breast of a hitherto innocei
pawn. What more can we ask ? But instructi^
and pertinent as our reflections are, we must n(

THE GREAT OCCASION. 251

allow our young friends to consume the entire
evening. Suflfice to say that by such gentle mean-
derings of truth we store the mind with facts, —
facts, those ornaments of society and the solace of
long winter evenings. Now, if any person would
like at this juncture to ask a question, it will be
in order for him or her to do so."

"What do they do with them facts on cold
winter evenings ?" the Gryphon promptly rose to
inquire.

There was silence for several minutes.

" Why is there no answer ?" asked the King of
Hearts.

" Why should there be any, your majesty ?"
returned the Bishop.

" I understood it was said that questions might
be asked," said the King.

" They might, undoubtedly," replied the Bishop;
" but it was not said they might be answered. But
this is no time for cabalistic remarks, my friends.
We arrive at the next Performance on the Pro-

262 THE GREAT OCCASION.

gramme, which I announce as * The Poemy — th
little word, but now vast indeed to the Poet hii
self. He is but a wild, sad thing, our Poet, j
has he eagerly promised to lay aside the man1
of his gloom for this occasion only and arr
himself in lighter plumes. I gracefully retire
his favor."

He looked at his watch as he gracefully retire
and they heard him remark to the Poet, in a to
anything but respectful, " Cut that short, Mr. A
please."

The Poet stepped forward with a curious grimi
that was meant to express haughty scorn hi
hidden by feigned cheerfulness. He bowed v(
slightly to the audience as he unrolled his Po€

Alice suddenly felt one of those uncontroUal
impulses to laugh that sometimes overcome you
people, and when the Gryphon looked at her w
a facetious wink, it was too much ; she gave ^
to a burst of laughter that it was rather surprisi
nobody seemed to notice. Somewhat ashan

THE GREAT OCCASION. 263

of such conduct, however, she tried her best to
stop, and managed to listen in silence to the
Poet's verses, without venturing to look up a
single time, however, for fear of another attack
of merriment. The expression on the Poet's face
was certainly irresistible, and it was prudent in
Alice to refrain from looking at him. His Poem
was called ^^The Bitter ^ Bitter Truth ;^^ he made
an impressive pause after announcing the title,
and finally began :

^^ Ah Me! The world is Black as Ink;
And Ruin is standing on the Brink/
And Things are getting Worse and Worse^
Because they will not listen to my Verse.

Therms Kings that steal
The 'peoples barley-Toeal

{I know myself of such) ;
And lumps of fat they likewise take.
And plumSy — and soggy pudding make,

Whereof they eat too much.

22

254 THE GREAT OCCASION.

And Qysens that ought to grievCy
And hold such pranks in scorn,

Do slice the clammy bits they leave.
And fry them up n^xt mom.

In Counting-Houses sly, the while,
The Kings are counting out

The Money from a goodly pile
They^ve stolen, I have no doubt.

And Queens know not how ill it looks
When they turn into pastry cooks.
With aprons on like kitchen-maids;
And whether they are Queens of Spades
Or Queens of Diamonds, or of Hearts,
Let their knaves steal their tarts.

And that unwholesome pie,
With crusts of pocketfuls of rye, —
• Let them steal that, the grewsome thing I
A pretty dish ! And set before a King
By some unseemly Queen.

THE GREAT OCCASION. 255

Only a Cat
Could eat a choky pie like that;
I saw the Dog turn up his nose in sco7*n, —
The Dog tossed by the Cow with crumpled horn.

It was the self-same Queen

WhOy from a kitchen plate,
Was eating bread and honey seen,

Hard by the kitchen grate/
l^d be the maid with nipped-off nose
Rather than Royalty like those;
rd rather be the Maiden all forlorn,
Married unto the Man that tattered was, and
torn.

And who would want to be
That roly-poly old King Cole,

With screechy, scrawchy fiddlers three
And muudlin pipe and bovd?

266 THE GREAT OCCASION.

Pd rather be the Priest that shaven was^ an

shorUy
Waked by the Cock that crowded in t]
mom!
Yet no one gives a thought to me,
A Poetj — weeping Bitterly T

This Poem was greeted with uproarious laught
and cheers. Hands were clapped, handkerchic
waved, boots, and sticks, and umbrellas thump
on the floor. There were even yells, and screecb
and howls of approval, and the applause lasted
long that the Poet was obliged to consider it as
encore^ to which he responded at last by reciti
again the last two lines in a very doleful voi
There was a great deal of mirth, especially amo
the Royal Personages present. Although th
were of one mind as to the justice of the Poe
scathing accusations, they seemed to think it 1
best part of the fun.

"So true, you know," said the Duchess, w

THE GREAT OCCASION. 267

had laughed most of all, and took upon herself
quite the airs of a queen.

The Queen of Hearts rose from her seat, and
said, in a commanding tone, " Saucy rogue I Off
with his head !" But there was a grim smile on
her majesty's countenance ; it was well understood
that the Ace of Spades was a favorite at the Card
Court.

The Poet gave no sign of having even heard
her sentence. All throughout the applause he
stood in a fine dejected attitude, with his arms
crossed, and as much scorn on his countenance
afi it was possible for him to get there. The
White King was the only one of all the Royal
Personages who had nothing to say. Alice had
noticed several times during the exercises that
he had seemed very drowsy, nodding his head,
and then suddenly bracing himself up with the
wide-awake air of a very sleepy person. He was
so sound asleep now that not even the noisy ap-
plause had disturbed him, and Alice thought it

r 22*

268 THE GREAT OCCASION.

was rather fortunate. The poem that he wa
to recite — the one that had such a way of goin
to his head — had not been altered as far as sh
knew, and the prospect of his getting into a tar
trum over it on the platform was rather distresi
ing. She hoped no one would wake him up whe
his turn came.

The Bishop now came forward again, th
time with a strangely crestfallen air. He hi
a book that Alice saw at once was not his pr
cious Collection ; it was a much thinner vc
ume, bound in red. He turned over the leav
with a very disheartened air, and at last ]
said, keeping the book open at a place he hi
found, —

"Ladies and Gentlemen, — Life is not all su
shine. Sometimes it is even thunder and ligl:
ning, as in the present case. I beg leave
announce to you that the worm has entered t
bud. My immortal Work, the only Collecti
resembling it in the world, perhaps, I may a]

THE GREAT OCCASION. 259

add, in this or any country, — I allude, alas, to my

* Collection of Poems Suitable ' "

Here he stopped, and looked round furtively at
the White King, who was now, however, audibly
as well as visibly asleep, and then he went on in
a louder voice, — "Suitable, I repeat, for all
Occasions. Being laid aside a moment to imbibe
a harmless cup of tea, the book, my friends, was
not a Cheshire cat, and could not have disap-
peared without hands. I had . hoped for the
pleasure of dripping those drops of moral wis-
dom upon your heads, like honey from the
honey-comb, but I am forced to supply the
omission I offer you by a vacuum, filled by a
selection from the pages of my unfortunate
Brother, who, not being able to collect himself
(you notice that he has not yet even found his
own head), has no more skill in collecting Poems
than a common hen, seen to be picking hither
and thither after trivial insects. This Twaddle
I am about to give you is by Royal Request only.

260 THE GREAT OCCASION.

''DER LEEDLE JOHANN 8GHMAUS.

Mein son, der ist his vater^s joy ;

Mdn hfely Johann Schmaus;
I vish you see my leedle boy

Ven you come in mein House.

He haf so many leedle tricks

Vot no von find him out.
He fill dat hole mit shtones und shticks.

Dot shtop das Wa^ser^shpout.

He shteal mein Wurst — was dat you cali
Mein sausage — -from der shelluf;

He shteal his Mutter^ s cookies all;
He say he help himselluf.

He get ein leedle Nail von day,
He puts dot in mein shoe;

Ach, Himmel ! Was ist da^, I say,
Das shtick me troo and troo?

THE GREAT OCCASION. 261

/ tells not all dem tricks by mir^ —
Dafs too mock pens and inks;

Ach! hot dai leedle boy wa^ dear
As vot you cannot tinks!

Der neighbor in der house ahofj
Defy calls him Johnny Dutch;

Some time dey say dey tinks I hfe
Mein leedle boy too much^

There was much laughter and applause, and
some attempt at an encore, which was sternly
frowned upon by the Bishop. He had to resort
to his umbrella again to restore order, but as this
only had the effect of seeming to be part of the
noisy demonstrations of the audience, it rather
increased the hilarity than otherwise.

The King of Clubs again came to the rescue
with his voice and sceptre. "If ye go on the
loike of this," he said, " we'll be ivery wan of us
home in our beds be the time we'll be getting to

262 THE GREAT OCCASION.

the banquet-table this night." This had the
effect of restoring order, and even silence, at
once.

The Bishop, his unwelcome task over, now
seemed quite himself again. With a complacent
smile and bow, as though it were his first appear-
ance for the evening, he said, "My friends, for
friends I may, indeed, call you, — ^tried and trusty
friends, — at last your patience is about to be re-
warded. The great event of the evening is now
close at hand, which, facetiously alluding to my-
self, I shall call

THE WHITE BISHOP'S SPEECH

" My Friends, — When an emotional and at th(
same time psychological revulsion of mind checb
at its source the accustomed routine of educationa
decorum ; when, in fact, truth, rolling in thunder-
tones from the -well-spring of nations, obscures
and at the same time eliminates "

Here the King of Hearts rose from his sea

THE GREAT OCCASION. 263

and called out, in a loud voice, "One moment,
please !"

"How much is there of that?" he asked, as
soon as the Bishop had reluctantly stopped.

"I hardly know, your majesty," answered the
Bishop, in a decidedly grumpy voice.

" Well, find out, please I"

There was a rustling of paper for a minute or
two while the Bishop was finding out.

"There are not more than about seventy-five
pages, your majesty," he said, at last, " but it is
my intention to leave out two, exactly in the
middle."

"Well, very good," said the King of Hearts.
"Leave them out, by all means. But there has
been some mention made of a Banquet; pray
where does that come in?"

" The Banquet, sire," said the Bishop, turning
the Programme over, "is on the other side."

" Let it be put on this side, then," commanded
the King, " and let it take place at once."

264 THE GREAT OCCASION.

"I hardly think " began the Bishop.

"The Banquet is taking place this very
minute," said the March Hare, suddenly appear-
ing on the scene. He had on a cook's cap and
apron, and carried a long ladle. " There's plum-
cake, and white bread and brown, and sardines^
and "

But everybody was getting up with one accord
and with the most astonishing swiftness the whoh
audience crowded out the door, leaving Alice, wh(
could not make up her mind so suddenly on ani
subject, sitting alone in an empty room. Th<
performances she had reason to think were no
more than half over. Her own Programme ha<
disappeared, so she took up a paper left on th
seat next to her that she supposed was the on
belonging to the White Queen. To her surpris
she found that this paper was not a Programme a
all, but a 3Ienu card of the Banquet. It was fu]
of such names as these :

THE GREAT OCCASION. 265

Potage de rien du tout

Poinmes de terre sans culottes.

Rechauffee de je ne sais quoi.

Badinage a la gamin de Paris.

Charlotte ruse de guerre.

Ragout a la chiffonniere.

{Mitre nous.)

Alice could not make anything out of this at
all, excepting that the things did not sound very
tempting. R. S. V. P. was at the bottom of the
MenUj and Alice smiled, as she happened to know
what that meant. She rose from her seat and
went to the open door, considering whether it
would be worth while to try to follow the party.
Nothing was to be seen of them, however, nor
was there a sound to indicate even the direction
in which they had gone.

"But I don't care for their old Banquet,"
she said to herself, "even if I could find
it."

M 23

266 THE GR£AT OCCASION.

She was indeed quite glad, on the whole, tc
find herself alone, and she went on her way
taking a pathway that led from the door, anc
that soon brought her out into the road again.

CHAPTER XL

THE TWEEBLES.

It was a charming day. It did not occur to
Alice to wonder what had become of the dark-
ness ; and as to the Banquet, she entirely forgot
all about it. She was looking in at a gate-way
by the roadside that seemed to open into some
beautifully kept park grounds, and hesitating as
to whether she ought to enter them, when she saw
no less a personage than the Queen of Hearts
standing on the lawn and looking through her
hands, which she held up to her eyes after the
manner of opera-glasses.

"Come here, child," she called out to Alice,
without turning her head, " and see if your eyes
can't see better than mine. I believe this is Mr.
Tweedle got back already. He's been away, you
know/'

267

268 THE TWEEDLES.

" Oh, do you mean Tweedle Dee and TweedL
Dum?" said Alice, approaching; "and can yoi
see them from here?"

"See him, you mean," corrected the Queer
" You talk aa if there were two of him."

" Why, there are two of them !" said Alice.

"What do you mean? Off with your head

cried the Queen of Hearts, with a savage frow

"But, your majesty," Alice persisted, "ever

THE TWEEDLES. 269

body knows there are two Tweedles, — ^why, there
they are now!"

Across a long stretch of meadow that reached
to the foot of a little hill Alice was sure she saw
two short, plump figures standing side by side.
It was a long way off, and they were very small,
but she thought she could not be mistaken.

"Now, roll up your hands, and look at them
as I'm doing," said the Queen.

Alice did so, and the two figures seemed to join
together and grow into one. She could see this
figure quite plainly ; it was certainly one of the
Tweedles, but only one. She stood looking alter*
nately in both ways for some minutes without
speaking, and at last she said, "Why, it's the
strangest thing! It's just like a stereoscope!"

" Exactly," said the Queen, " if you mean by
that that there's only one Tweedle. Nobody but
you ever called it such a name. But your head
comes off all the same, just as soon as I can get
anybody to do it."

28*

270 THE TWEEDLES.

Alice walked on towards the meadow, with the
Queen following her.

"Well, but," persisted Alice, not very much
concerned about her head, "I thought they once

agreed to have a battle, and then But loot

at all these rattles on the ground here!"

Strown about on the grass were a number of
the wooden toys that children call watchmen'^
rattles, and there were also two or three babies
rattles made of basket-work.

"Those are rattlesnakes' rattles," said th
Queen.

" What nonsense !" cried Alice. " Rattle
snakes don't have that kind of rattles !"

"They can have any sort they choose, I sup
pose!" replied the Queen, in an angry voice
"By the way, I will send some one after you
head."

Alice was so interested in Tweedle Dum, o
Tweedle Dee (" I don't know which it is," sh
thought), that she hardly noticed that the Quee

THE TWEEDLES. 271

had departed. She decided at once that she
would follow a path that she saw went straight
on across the meadow, and find out all about
the Tweedles if she could.

It seemed a very short walk, for in a few
minutes she found herself going straight in at
the door of a little house.

There was a very small tea-table in the room,
and seated before it on a little chair was one of
the Tweedles, with a mug in his hand. He
looked up at her for a moment without showing
any surprise, and then went on drinking. The
table was set with dolls' tea-things; there were
tiny dishes of jam and biscuits and cakes, and
Tweedle was evidently having his supper.

"Come in, or else get out; but don't stand
there in my light," he said, presently.

" Will you please tell me who you are ?" Alice
asked.

"I'm Tweedle," he said, watching her very
closely as she came in and took the only empty

THE TWEEDI*Ea.

chair in the room, a seat opposite to him at th
tahle. He immediately removed the jam an

cakes to his own side of the table, out of h
reach as he thought.

"I shall want all these myself," he said.

"I don't want any, I'm sure," said Ali
" You're not very polite, certainly."

" I know it," said Tweedle ; " but this is ;
supper ; contrariwise, if it was yours, I'd ask y

THE TWEEBLES. 273

to take some. But are you really sure you don't
want any?"

"Really and truly," answered Alice.

"Well, then, — ^thanks," he said, putting the
dishes back, "for you see I'm rather crowded
here. And now, if there's anything you want
that's not on the table, do ring for it."

" Will the maid bring it ?" asked Alice.

" No," replied Tweedle, " I expect not. I have
no maid. Contrariwise, if you don't want any-
thing, what do you sit down to the table for ? I
didn't invite you, and I don't mean to."

"There's no other seat in the room," replied
Alice ; " but I'll go away, I'm sure, if you really
don't want me."

" I really don't," answered Tweedle, " nohow."

There was nothing else to do after this but to
go at once ; and though Alice had a great mind
to be vexed, she reflected that she had been rather
rude herself in coming into his hotise in such a
very unexpected manner.

274 TH£ TWEEDLEB.

" I shall be coming out for a bit of a wait
myself when I've done supper," he called aftei
her, as she went out the door.

The fool>-path led round the side of the house
and went straight up the hill behind it. She had
not gone far before she heard Tweedle coming uj

i?^*iS>^

the hill, panting and puffing like a small engint
and he called to her to wait. He had a heav
umbrella with him.

THE TWEEDLES. 275

" You might have had a little of that jam, after
all ; it was uncommon nasty and sticky !" he
said, as soon as he could speak.

" Couldn't you eat it all yourself?" she asked.

"No, I couldn't, nohow," he answered. "I
knew you wanted it, too, all the time."

"You're the rudest person I've seen here!"
said Alice.

"I dare say I am," he replied. "I hope so.
My brother tries to be ruder than I am, but he
can't be, nohow."

"Oh, that's what I want to ask you!" she
cried, forgetting all about his rudeness. " Then
there are really and truly two of you after all.
And so the Queen of Hearts was wrong?"

"No, she was right," he contradicted; "there
is only one of us,— one of him and one of me.
We used to go together so much that we got mis-
taken for two."

This was not very clear to Alice, but she asked,
" And don't you go together any more ?"

276 THE TWEEDLES.

" No, indeed," replied Tweedle, decisively.

" Why not r she a^ked.

Tweedle was rather slow in replying, but a
last he muttered, in an angry voice, " Of all tin

ndstj, selfish, greedy things " and then stoppec

as if overcome by some recollection.

" I dare say you were just as bad/' said Alice.

"So I was," said Tweedle; "but so ws
he."

" You haven't got your name on your colla
I see," said Alice, changing the subject. " Whic
one are you?"

" Oh, those names were just fancy. If you s<
me first, then I'm Dee ; contrariwise, if you s
him first, he's Dum. You can see us from ti
top of this hill. He lives one side and I li
t'other; or, I live one side and he lives t'othi
It's just as it happens, whatever."

" I saw one of you a little while ago," Ali
remarked.

" Did you ?" asked Tweedle. " Which one '

THE TWEEDLES. 277

" That's what I don't know," said Alice. " At
first I thought it was both of you."

" If you don't know which one you saw, you
can't tell which one I am," he said, "nohow."

Alice was decidedly puzzled ; she kept thinking
about it until they came to the top of the hill,
without understanding it any better. They walked
on a few steps and came to where they could look
down on the other side of the hill, and there she
saw a little house at the bottom exactly like the
one which they had just left, and which was now
out of sight. There was no sign of the other
Tweedle, however. Alice said she had hoped
they might see him, too.

" Oh, we don't want to see him," said Tweedle.
" He's a very deserving fellow, he is."

" Is he ?" said Alice. " I thought you didn't
like him. What makes you say he's deservingj
all of a sudden ?"

"Because he i^," Tweedle replied. "He de-
serves a dozen good whacks ; and he'll get 'em,

24

278 THE TWEEDLES.

too, if we ever fight again." And he went " Grr-
r-r-r-rr," with a snarling gesture, at the thought
of his brother.

"There must be two of them," Alice said to
herself, with conviction.

" He's in bed now," said Tweedle. " He alwayg
goes to bed when I'm up. Contrariwise, just a^
I get snugly tucked up, house and all, out Ju
comes."

"That's something like the little man an(
woman in the barometer that we have," Alio
said. " The woman goes in when it rains."

"There you're wrong," said Tweedle. "J3
goes in when it rains, because he hasn't any urn
brella."

Here Tweedle looked at his umbrella with greg
complacency, and pretty soon he raised it ove
his head, and spent a few minutes in admiring i
There was a small rustic seat by the side of th
pathway here on the hill, just large enough fc
two, and Tweedle sat down upon it.

THE TWEEDLES. 279

" Come under this umbrella," he said, " and Fll
tell you the rest of that poetry."

" Oh, that will be delightful !" exclaimed Alice,
taking a seat. "But you haven't told me any
poetry yet."

"Haven't I?" said Tweedle; "that's very
curious. I don't understand it. For you've
heard ^The Walrm and the Carpenter y I'm sure."

"Yes," said Alice, "but you didn't say it to

mej and it wasn't / who heard you, and "

She was getting almost as mixed up as the Won-
derland people, but Tweedle seemed to under-
stand.

" Just as I thought," he interrupted her. " The
other one of me said it to the other one of you.^^

" Was there any more of that ?" she asked.

" There wasn't then," he replied, " because we
didn't know any more. But we know nearly all
of it now. What was the last you heard ?"

Alice was quite prepared for examination in
Wonderland literature. She repeated the lines:

280 THE TWEEDLES.

" Only the shells were lefty because
Thefifd eaten every oneP^

"That ain't right, nohow," said Tweedle.

" Of course not," Alice assented. " It isn't rig
to deceive even oysters, like that."

" I mean the verse isn't right," he said. " You'
got it all wrong. But no matter; have it so
you like. This is the way it goes on :

a

They flung the oyster-shells away

As far as eye could reach ;
And then they both went back again

Along the briny beach.
The Carpenter right sadly gazed

Upon the neighboring shore:
The Walrus did not care a bit;

He wished he had some more.

^ How many do you thinhy he said,
^ Could we have had apiece f

^ Too many^ said the Carpenter ;
^ And here comes the police.^

THE TWEEDLE8.

The Walrus laughed a scornful laugh,
' WeU, let them come /' said he.

Yet still he jlung their knife away
Into the deepest sea.

They walked together hand in hand.
As harmless as they could;

They gazed upon the distant ships:
It did no sort of good.

THE TWEEDr^BB.

They took the Carpenter along

And put him into prison ;
Aiid thin was only right, because

Those oysters weretUt hi£n.

The Walrus, too, was taken off;

Tliey put him in the Zoo;
They kept Mm in a little pond

Erposed to public view.
He sometimes wished /w- could get off

To frolie in the sea ;
Sc often wished that he had hi

Those Kttle fellows be."

"Oh," Alice exclaimed, as soon as he had
finished, " how perfectly splendid, wasn't it ?"

"Well, no, not splendid, I should say," said
Tweedle. " Nohow."

"Well, but it served them right," said Alice.

" The Carpenter was a relation of mine," he
observed.

"Was he? Really?" she asked, in surprise.

THE TWEEDLES. 283

"Yes, he was," answered Tweedle, "and the
Walrus was my uncle."

" I don't believe you at all," said Alice, detect-
ing a mischievous look on Tweedle's face.

" I don't care," replied Tweedle. " Have him
for your uncle, then, if you like. It suits me just
the same."

" You said you knew nearly all of that poem,"
said Alice, not noticing his last remark. "Is
there any more of it?"

"Yes," answered Tweedle. "The Carpenter
soon got out of prison, and then he got the
Walrus away, too, and so they both went down
to the sea-shore and got some more oysters."

"Oh, dear!" cried Alice. "Why, I thought
they were both so sorry about it."

"Well, so they were. But oysters are very
good. I wish / could get some, I know. But
how sleepy I am!" he said, with a yawn. "I
don't want to talk to you any more."

He suddenly rose from his seat, and shutting

284 THE TWEEDLES.

his umbrella, he turned and ran back down the
hill, — very awkwardly, but at a pace so rapid thai
Alice could not keep up with him. By the tim(
she had reached his house he had gone in, anc
he shut the door in 'her face.

" What am I to do ?" she asked, as he appears
at the window.

"Just what you like," he said, shutting th
window and pulling down a blind.

Alice had grown accustomed to the abru]
manners most of the Wonderland people had, bi
Tweedle was certainly the very rudest of the
all. He was very diverting, though, and si
wished she could see more of him. She walk<
slowly up to the top of the hill again, and tin
seeing at a glance that the window of the oth
house was now open, she concluded to go do^
and make a visit to the other Tweedle, "F
there isn't the least doubt about there being t^
of them," she said to herself. " I wonder wl
the Queen of Hearts could have meant."

THE TWEEDLES. 285

The path leading down to his house was exactly
like the other, and went round to the front door
just as that did. She found herself entering at
the door in the same abrupt manner in which she
had entered the first house. There was precisely
the same tea-table spread, and Alice could hardly
believe it was another Tweedle, so exactly like the
first one was the figure seated in the little chair
with a mug in his hand. He looked up at her for
a moment without showing any surprise, and then
went on drinking.

"Come in, or else get out; but don't stand
there in my light," he said, presently.

" Will you please tell me who you are ?" Alice
asked.

"Fm Tweedle," he said, watching her very
closely as she came in and took the only empty
chair in the room, a seat opposite to him at the
table. He immediately removed the jam and
cakes to his own side of the table, out of her
reach as he thought.

THE TWEEDLE8.

"I shall want all these myself," he said.
" I don't want any, I'm sure," eaid Alice.
"You're not very polite, certainly."

«v

*' I know it," said Tweedle ; " but this is m\
supper ; contrariwise, if it was yours, I'd ask yoi
to take some. But are you really sure you don'
want any?"

" Really and truly," answered Alice.

"Well, then, — thanks," he said, putting th
dishes hack, " for you see I'm rather crowde

THE TWEEDLES. 287

here. And now, if there's anything you want
that's Tiot on the table, do ring for it."

"Will the maid "

Here she suddenly became aware that exactly
the same scene was going on between them ; that
even she herself was saying the same things she
had said before, and she was overcome by a sense
of bewilderment. Her eye fell, too, on the um-
brella in the corner, just as she remembered see-
ing it in the other Tweedle's house.

"Well, I can't stand this," she said, after
pausing for a moment to think it over ; and just
as this Tweedle was saying, "No, I expect not.
I have no maid," she turned, and left the house
at once, walking away as quickly as she could,
without noticing whither she was going.

" Of all the curious things I've seen yet /" she
exclaimed to herself, without finishing the sen-
tence. "And now I shall never know which
was which, and I won't ever be sure whether
there were two of them or not, after all!"

CHAPTER XIL

THE PAGEANT.

For here, on stopping to look round her, sh
saw that she had come to a very different sort o
country, and had entirely lost sight of the littl
house and its surroundings, and even of the patl
way that led from it, so that she could not hai
found her way back to it. There was no path i
the grassy woodland around her, and she walk<
on and on among the trees, the landscape slow
changing until it grew to be that of a well-ke
park, with old trees in groups, and beautiful de
around them feeding on the soft grass. She walk
slowly for fear of disturbing them, but they we
very tame, and some of them came up and thri
their noses in her hands. It became more a
more charming every moment; never in her 1
had Alice seen anything so beautiful. Suddei

288

THE PAQEANT.

she came out between two groups of dark foliage
into an open space, and beyond this sjace was a

high, close hedge. A wide opening in this hedge
made a gate-way, the pillars on each side of which
were Castles, one of them Red, the other White.
Through this gate-way could be seen the most
wonderful garden, with myriads of flowers, and

390 THE PAGKUrr.

bright-colored birds, and marvellous fountains
sparkling in the sun.

The Castles had deep Giothic door-ways, and
just at the entrance of the White one stood a
White horse that Alice recognized at once as
the one belonging to the White Knight, though
the Knight was not there. At the otlier door-
way was a Red Knight on his horse, standing,
as if on guard, in a stiff attitude, with hia hel-
met on. He looked rather solemn, and seemed
to take no notice of Alice, biit she summoned
courage enough to approach him.

"May I go into that beautiful garden?" Bhe
asked.

"No, not just now," he said, in a decided but
not very stern voice, "You mustn't go in there
without special permission, because the royal fam-
ily are in residence. But perhaps you can get
permission."

" I know some of the Kings and Queens quite
well," she said. " I'll ask them as soon as I see

THE PAGEANT. 291

any of them. Do they come in and out of this
gate r

" No. The Kings and Queens you've seen are
not the same ones who live in the ivory palace
that is in these grounds. I'm only an outside
gate-keeper myself, and / don't go in except I'm
invited. There's another gate-way inside there,
with pearl and ivory castles; and the Knights
there are carved out of ivory. The Kings and
Queens have precious stones in them."

" How very grand and proud they must be !"
Alice said, thinking aloud.

"No, indeed," the Knight replied, quickly.
"They're very kind and good. They're very
glad to have any one come into their beautiful
grounds, if they're sure that it's somebody who
won't do any mischief there."

" The White Knight isn't on his horse," Alice
remarked, after a long pause.

"Oh, have you made his acquaintance al-
ready?" he asked.

292 THE PAGEANT.

Alice said that she had, and that she liked hi
very much.

" Well, he's a rather good sort, even if there
a little nonsense about him. He wouldn't hurt
fly. And he can fight well enough when he h
a chance, too. And then there's the Red Bishoj
Have you seen either of them?"

"I saw the one that has no head," Alice i
plied. " I thought he had a great deal of senj
and I was very sorry about his head."

" Well, then," he said, dismounting and taki
off his helmet so that he could talk better, " yoi
be very glad. That Bishop is a great friend
mine, and I've been away a long time on ]
trusty steed, up and down the land, searching
his head. And I've found it. I've only just
back with it."

" Oh," said Alice, delighted, " does he kr
you've got it?"

" Not yet. He don't even know I went fo]
because I thought maybe I wouldn't get it, ;

THE PAGEANT.

then he would be disappointed. I found it not
80 very far from the spot where he lost it, in

a place where I'd looked for it twenty times be-
fore."

"Will it make any difference in him?" Alice
asked. "Will he be like the White Bishop?"

The Red Knight laughed. " Not a bit of it.

TKeir heads don't make any difference," said hee
repeating what the Red Queen had said. "Onlyi
it makes them look much better. And I'm very '
glad that I've happened to come back with the
head in time for to-day, because there's going to
be a Pageant, and he will be glad to have bis
head then, so as to look like other people. I hope
you'll see him in the Pageant with his head on." i

" Oh, how very, vta-y much I should like to see '
the Pageant 1" cried Alice, much impressed by the
name. " Will you please tell me what it is, and
how I could get there?" J

"It's a sort of procession," he said, "that we"
have every year. All the Kings and Queens and
their courts, and foreign guests from other king-
doms, have a grand march with all the magnifi-
cence they can get. They will wind in and out
through all these groups of trees, around and
around, and then when they're all collected they
will march through the forest until they come to
the great Royal Sport Grounds, where there will

THE PAGEANT. 296

be games and tournaments for two or three weeks.
Perhaps you'd like to be in the Pageant yourself?
I think I could manage it. There's a tame white
pony wandering about here somewhere ; you may
ride on him if you like."

Alice was silent. She could not find any words
to express her rapture, but the Knight seemed to
take it for granted.

" Well, then," he said, " when you hear a horn
blowing through the wood, just come here to this
gate and wait until you see me."

" By the way," he continued, " I ought to be
off now. It won't be long before the Pageant
begins, and I ought to be going this very minute,
to be in time to give the Bishop his head. How
I wish the White Knight would come back ! He
went to get his helmet mended."

"Oh, must you wait for him?" asked Alice,
anxiously.

"Yes. One of us, at least, must be always
here on guard, excepting when we're fighting or

296 THE PAOEAirr.

oIhc in a procesBion, and then the Gryphons come
W(J have to watch the Ivory Grardens, you know/

"Couldn^t you get the Gryphons?" she said.

" No ; they never come unless they hear th<
horn blowing," he answered. "I don't knoip
what I Hhail do!"

" I wisli I could watch in your place," Alic
Hjiid. '* JJut 1 suppose, of course "

" Tliat's a capital idea," he interrupted. „ "
boliovo you could well enough. I can get the wuit
[)()ny for you at once, and then you'll only ha^
t^) giv(^ mo your high word of honor that you'
Ht4iy lioro until tlie White Knight comes, and thj
you'll not lot anybody pass these gates."

**WollI" cried Alice, joyfully.

The Knight set off immediately, and in a fe
minutos came back leading a very tame whi
pony. IIo liolped Alice to mount, and placed h
in exactly tho position slie must keep, and th(
put a sword in lier hand.

** Now,'' he said, *^ you'll be all ready for t]

THE PAGEANT.

Pageant ; besides, I won't be gone very long t
if tbe White Knight
don't come; but I
expect he will. I
wouldn't go if it
weren't so very im-
portant. You're
not afraid, are
vo'i ?"

" Oh, no indeed !"
Alice cried ; and
the Knight turned
to go, looking back
to wave hie hand.
She saw that he
had a small box
tied on the saddle
behind him ; no
doubt it contained
the Bishop's head, she thought.

The moment after, she was alone in that 1

298 THE PAOEAKT.

tifbl solitade, seeming to make part of it^ so stOl
was her pony and so motionless did she feel
obliged to keep herself.

** I never heard of anybody else in the whole
world haying snch a glorious adventore as this/'
she thought. Her mind went oyer all the scenes
of her eyery-day life. She remembered eyen the
conversation with her mother the evening before,
and her talk with Tom about the wedding-cake,
and the new door in her chamber. How long ago
that all seemed! The light and shade of the
charmed landscape lay around her ; she wished she
dared turn her pony's head so that she could look
into the palace gardens; but she could at least j
hear the birds singing and the splashing of the J
fountains. She could not have told how long she
stood thus as in an entrancing dream, when a
slight noise on one side made her turn her head.

The White Knight was there, sitting on his
horse looking towards her. He had his helmet
on, which made him look quite unlike himself.

THE PAGEANT. 299

Alice explained to him how she had come to be
there instead of the Red Knight, and he said that
he had supposed that was the way of it.

*' I'm very glad to see you again/' he added.
*' I'm sorry^I couldn't have come sooner, but the

man had my helmet, you see, and I couldn't come
without it. I had tried to mend it myself, and
that only made it worse; so that's why it took
him so long. You can go now, if you like."

300 THE PAGEANT.

"Oh, it has been delightful!" she answered.
"I think I should like to stay until the Red
Knight comes back."

"I see you have a fine crown on your head
now ; so I suppose you feel like a queen," he said.

Alice had entirely forgotten the crown that the
White Queen had so recklessly given her, and
indeed thought that she must have lost it directly
afterwards, for she was quite sure that it was not
on her head at the great Kindergarten Occasion.
But now it had somehow come back again.

"I don't think," she said, in answer to the
White Knight, " that you could feel like a queen,
unless you really were one."

Still, she was very glad now that she would
have a crown to wear at the Pageant. She looked
down at her every-day dress, and wished very
much that some fairy godmother were there to
cliange it into shining silk.

" Do you tliink it will be much longer before
the Pageant begins ?" she asked.

THE PAGEANT. 301

"No; they are preparing now," he said.
"Don't you see them gathering in the wood
yonder ?"

Alice changed the position of her pony a little
so that she could see better into the woods, and
here and there through the trees she could see
gleaming figures of Kings and Queens and Knights
appear in openings through the foliage.

"I don't remember ever seeing any of these
before," she said, after watching them for some
time.

" There are a great many strangers come," he
said ; " new ones every year ; whole sets of chess
and families of cards that we don't know ourselves.
I'm always glad when it's over."

"Do the carved ivory ones come?"

"Oh, never! They never leave their own
gardens. But here come all our people, and now
we must begin to form into line."

Alice was quite excited. The Red Knight was
approaching ; the two Bishops that she knew were

26

302 THE PAGEAITT.

juMt behind hint, and they all soon came np. The

Red HIhIii)]) luid on Ids newly-fouud head, and he

THE PAGEANT. 303

gave a merry smile when he saw Alice, but there
was no time to say anything. The others were
all coming up; she was pleased to see that the
Red King had had his feet restored to him, and
was walking in a very dignified manner. Already
they were forming into a procession, walking two
and two. A horn was sounding through the
wood, and then Alice saw two Gryphons come up
and take the places of the two Knights at the
castle door-ways ; they were so exactly alike that
she could not tell which of them was her old
friend. Although Alice was so delighted to be in
the procession, she wished she could be standing
down under one of the trees at the same time, so
that she could see them all go by.

But it was time for her to take her place, which
was just after the Kings and Queens and Bishops.
The White Rabbit in his herald's dress came and
took a place by her side ; he had a most serious
and important air. It was much too solemn an
occasion for any exchange of greeting, and he did

THE PAGEANT.

Lot even look at Alice. Then, as the Red KnightJ
had said, they all began to wind slowly round 8
round among the groups of trees, other parts c
the procession coming up continually from
distance and joining themselves wherever tl
could find a place in the loig Pageant.

It got more and more ii ing as they went on;
Very soon the blowing ot i e horn of summoia
changed into the most r ing niueic, and goM
and jewels began to gleam he royal personagoi
Alice found that her plai frock was slow^
changing into a magnificent white robe end
broidered with golden flowers, and the Knight!
behind her were transformed with shining armor
and waving plumes. The Bishops, too, were in
splendid embroidered robes, and had gold and
silver inlaid mitres. It was most wonderfiiL
Every now and then they stopped for a few
minutfis to allow spaces in the rants behind them
to close up ; and when the procession was entirely
formed, the King in front gave a signal, and they

THE PAGEANT.

806 THE PAGEANT.

all turned slowly into a dark forest. Then some
voices before them began a strange song that
blended with the music, and when they stopped,
voices behind took up the song in a dijfferent key.
Alice noticed that the Bishops before her were
singing, too, in a very low voice. The forest path
seemed to be like a great cathedral, with long
shafts of sunlight coming through the high leafy
windows here and there between the trees, and
making the gems and gold suddenly flash in the
darkness.

As the Pageant went on Alice thought that
gradually they were moving more and more slowly,
so that it seemed to take them a long while to
reach a small square pond that she could see by
the side of the road just before them. It shone
clear and still in the dim woods. When they
came to the edge of it she could see, just as in a
I()()kin<»;-ji;lass, the reflecti(ms of the trees in it, and
part of the Pageant. She leaned over a little tc
see if she could not catch the image of herself or

THE PAGEANT. 307

the pony, and just at this minute, — ^Alice could
hardly tell how it happened, for she was sure she
had not moved upon her seat, — she began slowly
sliding off the pony's back. She saw the Knights
come forward and stretch out their arms to help
her, but she kept on sliding and sliding, trying
all the time as hard as she could to hold on, until
she fell gently into the pond.

All the Pageant had vanished. She rubbed her
eyes and looked around, and could not imagine
what sort of place she had come into. At first
she thought the shining pond was still there ; but
gradually it became plain that the light was only
from a large looking-glass, with a mantel-piece
below it. There was a fire burning in the grate,
and a lamp turned quite low on the centre-table.
Suddenly, as her eyes became accustomed to the
light, she saw that it was their own drawing-room,
and that she was sitting on the floor just at the foot
of the large sofa, from which she seemed to have
fallen along with all the cushions. She gave a little

308 THE PAGEANT.

cry of surprise, and instantly her mother, who had
been sitting in the library close by, came in.

"Alice, my dear child, what is the matter?"
she asked in some alarm.

" Why, I don't know," said Alice, " only I've
had the most wonderful time!"

" You must have been walking in your sleep,
my dear," her mother said. And then, fearing
that Alice might feel rather frightened, she added,
smiling, " I used to do that myself when I was
young, but I never knew such a thing to happen
to you before. Come, I will go up with you ; it
is eleven o'clock. You shall tell us all about your
dream in the morning."

So Alice was very soon tucked up in bed once
more, with another good-night from her mother,
and was soon asleep again. Fragments of her
strange adventures haunted her sleep all through
the rest of the night ; some of the scenes she seemed
to see over again, and the old characters appeared
before her in new combinations. But it was only

:1

THE PAGEANT. 309

in the full sunlight of the morning, when she was
wide awake in her own little room where there
was no new door now to be seen, that she realized
the whole significance of her dream, and knew
that she too had had some real adventures in
Wonderland.

THE END.

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